Couples Counseling Tip: What To Do When My Partner Shuts Down And Won’t Talk To Me?
One of the biggest problems that are faced by couples today has to do with poor communication. This is a serious problem that can block the happiness between you and your partner. This may also lead to separation or an unrewarding love life.
People who are experiencing communication problems with their partners may even find it hard talking to them about easy, happy things. The time they spend together is not wonderful, happy or easy. Often in relationships, the important needs are left unattended. Many of these needs that your partner has, you may not even be aware of it. They might be able to clearly communicate their needs with their family, friends or even co-workers, but they don’t tell you.
Communication in a relationship is about two people opening up with each other. They should also let each other clarify their concerns, issues, feeling and emotions. This means that when your partner is telling you something, don’t finish their sentence, interrupt or tell them the solution. Just listen, thank them for sharing and validate their feelings. Even if you wouldn’t have responded the way they did, you can still validate THEIR experience.
This type of communication can take your relationship to the next level (or back to a previous level that you liked better than where you are at today).
What if there’s No Communication?
When your partner is so angry that there are not even words to express what they are feeling or thinking, you are often met with silence. This situation needs to be handled with care, attention and time. You cannot demand they talk, belittle them for shutting down or blame them for your non-existent communication. It is most likely that you had some part in them shutting down, so you can help play a part in helping them open up and trust you again.
But, how will you deal with someone who shuts down? Give them time. When they are shut down you can ask them if you can give them a hug, hold their hand or give them space. You can also use passive ways to let them know you care. Bring them tissues (if they are crying) and put it next to them and walk away. You can have their coffee ready on the counter in the morning with you nowhere in sight. The idea isn’t that they see the coffee and come running to you or give you immediate credit. The point is that they see the coffee and know you are trying. Just because they can’t thank you in the moment, doesn’t mean they aren’t thankful. The point of this “passive communication” is to show your partner that you still love and care about them even if they aren’t ready to talk.
Inspiration: “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” – Stephen R. Covey
If you are looking for individual therapy or couples therapy in Long Beach, please give me a call to ask me a question or to set up an appointment.