Should I Date Someone Who Is In The Closet? Tips From A Gay Therapist In Long Beach

In almost every lesbian movie before 2005, the storyline is as follows: a lesbian meets a married woman (or woman in a heterosexual relationship), their friendship quickly grows into something else. The lesbian tries to hold back feelings to respect the current heterosexual relationship and then eventually, the “heterosexual” woman makes a move and the two are in a love affair. Then the question becomes, should the “straight” woman leave her boyfriend/husband for the love of her life. She contemplates what it would mean to her family, friends, and even children (if she has any) and eventually chooses to follow her heart. Questions arise if she is lesbian, bisexual or just curious.  Although these stories often have happy endings, it is extremely difficult to fall in love and not know whether your relationship will last because of how society may perceive your relationship. For lesbians who have been out of the closet for a long time, they don’t really want to deal with the ups and downs of someone exploring if they are gay or not. Despite public opinion that the LGBTQ community does not sit in the lurch waiting to “turn” a straight person to the other side and successfully gaining that toaster they always wanted, this simply isn’t the case. So you have to ask yourself two questions: Do I want to be in a relationship with someone who is already taken and is possibly not a lesbian? AND Do I want to put my needs on hold for someone who is not able to come out to their friends/family as a lesbian.
So the question remains…Do I date someone who is in the closet? There isn’t an easy answer to this one. As in any relationship, you have to weigh the pros and cons to the relationship and decide if putting your heart on the line and getting invested is worth the possibility of the other person deciding in the end that they cannot be in the relationship because of how it would affect their family, their friendships and their job. Try to look at it this way…any relationship has a potential for not working out. If you are dating someone who is in the closet, you simply know the reason it might not work out. If you are with someone who is out and proud, you could get invested in the relationship and they could decide they don’t like blondes, or they want someone who is more organized or younger or older or funnier or more serious. The point is, any relationship has a potential for failure and you have to decide how much you want to put yourself on the line for the potential of living with your soul mate forever. You could come in for a therapy session to weigh the pros and cons and to learn how to set the boundaries so your needs are also being met in the relationship. Often when talking to friends, they want to protect you and don’t want to see you hurt. It is often helpful to talk to an unbiased person (therapist) that can talk you through your decision to stay and wait, or leave the relationship as well as your expectations of the person you are dating.
Dating someone who is in a relationship is an entirely different topic and something you need to seriously consider before getting your feelings invested.

If you prefer a gay friendly therapist in Long Beach, or Transgender friendly therapist in Long Beach, please call to set up an appointment.  Please remember that if you are not in driving distance from my office, that I do provide Skype and facetime sessions.  It is sometimes difficult to find a gay friendly therapist, so I try to accommodate my clients by providing tele-therapy (meaning skype, facetime, etc).