How To Find A Partner
I have been doing couples therapy in Long Beach long enough now to know that many people end up talking to me because they really didn’t take the time to find the perfect partner before getting married. There are all sorts of issues that can be resolved to help save a relationship, but it becomes close to impossible when the partnership was essentially doomed from the start. You need to think of a partner as a long-term investment, and that means studying all the pros and cons. You certainly wouldn’t rush into purchasing a home or car without doing your due diligence, so before you make a big commitment to one person, take time for a little introspection.
You are not the only person in the world who has the image of the perfect partner dancing in their head, but you need to ditch that visual and get realistic. If you spend your life waiting around for the person who fits all of those “perfect” qualities to a T, you are likely going to spend a lot of time alone. Both you and your eventual partner are going to have to understand that no-one is perfect and that there are going to be things about the other person that might irritate you. Unless that thing they do is truly awful, you need to learn to accept that those traits are part of who they are. Trying to change them will only make them feel resentments, and will leave you wondering how to stop fighting all the time. Everyone has qualities that are irritating. You just have to decide which “bundle” you want to choose. What I mean by this is: BUNDLE #1 could be: Your partner is very nice to you and has the same values, but they chew with their mouth open. BUNDLE #2 could be: You partner might not be as nice of a person or not share the same values, but they are very presentable. BUNDLE #3 could be a various number of other combinations.
Scratch the image of the perfect partner from your mind, and instead focus on what traits a person should have, and which should be deal breakers. No two people will have the same list, as things that are acceptable to some simply are not to others. What I am really talking about here are core values. For instance, you may want someone who feels as strongly about their faith as you do, or perhaps someone who isn’t religious at all, or perhaps someone who has the same ideas of raising a child together. In short, the deal breakers should be something big as opposed to the height or hair color of a potential partner.
In order to find the perfect partner, you need to be prepared to get hurt a little along the way. There are very few people who find their perfect life mate at the first time of asking, as the majority of people have to wade their way through the pain of at least one broken relationship. The pain will pass, and once it does, you need to evaluate what went wrong in that relationship. That often means looking yourself in the mirror to see the part you played in the failure. It may not be a pleasant task, but it will help you in your next romantic venture.
If you are looking for some help picking your “bundle”, give me a call. I can help you navigating the pros and cons of relationship choices based on your preferences and values.