How To Tell Your Family You’re Gay

When most LGBT people are ready to come out, their close friends are often the first people they tell.  And in most instances, they’re received with love and acceptance.  But when it comes to telling family, there’s an added layer of anxiety.  For adolescents, a poorly received response from parents can lead to teen homelessness.  For older members of the community, coming out can lead to strained family relationships and the psychological side effects.  Even more difficult than contemplating the after effects is figuring out how to actually deliver the message.

 

Before having the conversation with your family, consider first confiding in a family member that you consider an ally.  Think of that one aunt or cousin that has been unconditionally supportive of your every endeavor.  Reveal your truth to them first.  It’s likely their response will be positive.  Request their presence when you deliver the message to the rest of your family.

 

It’s important to choose a time that works for you and your family.  You know them best, and you know their schedule.  If your parents like a little time to wind down after work before jumping into conversation, your coming out day should be no different.  You want your family’s full attention, and you want them relaxed, ready to receive information.

 

Keep your message simple.  The last thing you want to do is confuse your family with overwrought metaphors and anecdotes.  You want the message to be crystal clear.  Your objective is to tell your family that you’re gay and nothing else.  Spare the flowery language, and don’t beat around the bush.  It’ll be difficult to say, but the sooner you cut to the chase, the sooner you can all start moving forward.

 

During the conversation, it’s important for you to stay serious.  It’s natural to deflect to comedy to ease the tension of the situation.  But just like a long story, humor will distract from the meaning of the conversation.  You’re not delivering a monologue.  You’re communicating a potentially life-changing message for you as well as your audience.

 

Whatever you do, don’t rush them along through the conversation.  Take the necessary time to define terms and answer questions.  Perhaps you’re coming out as bisexual or transgender.  Check for understanding.  Do they know what these terms mean?  Also, give them time to let the information sink in.  You’ve been thinking about this for quite some time.  You’ve processed it and you’re understandably ready to cut through the awkwardness.  But for your family, this is fresh news. If it’s upsetting for them, they’ll need some time to adjust.  And that time may not be within the confines of this one conversation.  They may have concerns about not having grandchildren, about your safety, about what their friends might say or think, as well as what their religion might say about it.  Many parents who initially don’t respond well, do come around in time, however not all do.  Be prepared with your own support network after the meeting so that you can get the support you need and deserve.

 

Keep in mind that you may need to prepare for multiple conversations before you can all reach common ground.  As frustrating as that might be, you have to be prepared to discuss your sexuality until your family can make progress. Be thankful that you have the opportunity to keep explaining and communicating and try to be patient with your family.

 

Coming out can be scary.  But if you take consideration for your family, it can be a smooth and rewarding experience.  If you would like to come in and talk to a gay friendly therapist in Long Beach, please call me and make an appointment.  I have been with my wife 17 years and remember what it was like to come out and feel alone. It is 2016 and there is no need to feel like you are alone.  Even if the support doesn’t come from your family, there are many places and people (including me) that you can get that support.