Am I In An Abusive Relationship?
If you believe that you might be in an abusive relationship, now is the time to reach out for professional help. The situation is usually pretty awful by the time that the realization of abuse becomes all too clear. The abuse can take many forms beyond the physical bouts of hitting, kicking, and punching. Constant emotional abuse – name calling, belittling, threatening, etc. – can also take a real toll. In many situations, the person being abused has lost contact with friends and family, leaving their partner as the only person they can turn to. If this is the case, you need to seek out help from a therapist, or perhaps call a help hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224. The person you talk to can help you put together a plan of action that will get you out of your current situation. They are also happy to listen if all you want to do right now is talk.
It is common for victims of abuse to feel trapped, as they may feel that there is nowhere to go. Often abusive partners take control of finances because they convince you it is easier that way or that they are better at it. It often leaves the victim of abuse deciding whether leaving the relationship and not having the financial security that they are used to is worth it for themselves and possibly for their children.
Often people choose to stay because they are used to living an upper class lifestyle and don’t want to consider going into a shelter. However if your life, livelihood, or children’s wellbeing depends on it, you may really need to consider this option. Homes for abuse victims are not the cot filled rooms that people imagine them to be. Many are actual houses that will make you feel at home. The people who live beside these homes are often totally unaware that it is serving as a shelter. This is a place where you can feel safe, and where you can stay until you can sort out with an attorney how to get your part of the finances so that you can head out on your own, free from abuse. Talking to an attorney can help you get a financial plan together.
A sense of failure is another reason why people stay. You have to understand that leaving a relationship due to abuse of any kind is not a sign of failure on your part. It takes a lot more strength to leave than it does to stay. It is never acceptable for someone to put you down, make you feel ‘less than’, hurt you physically or take sexual advantage of you.
Other people choose to stay because they do not want their children to be without both parents. Getting out of an abusive situation does not always mean that your kids will never see the other parent again. It is crucial that you have a safety plan so that you do not become the parent left out in the cold. If something happens to you, you are of no use to your children. You can no longer protect them from the abuse. If you feel that leaving would mean that your children would be vulnerable 50% of the time because they would have visitation with the abuser, go talk to an attorney about custody and talk to a therapist so you can weigh the pros and cons of leaving. Many victims of abuse don’t realize that if someone were to call the department of children’s services about the abuse, they will take custody away from both of you because your partner is abusive and you didn’t protect your kids (DCFS will charge you with “failure to protect”). This is not to scare you, it is just to inform you of the facts that unfortunately happen to many families.
If you want more information on the options available to you regarding staying in your relationship or leaving the relationship, call to make an appointment. This may be a situation where in home therapy wouldn’t work and you can come to our Beverly Hills therapy office to get help. . You can also call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224 to get advice, to make a safety plan or just get more information on your situation.