How To Deal With In-Laws Over The Holidays Who Don’t Like You
Since the days of vaudeville, there have been millions of jokes regarding in-laws. “When my mother-in-law comes to town, I go on the town.” Unfortunately in many cases these situations are not laughing matters. Fathers and mothers of your spouse go out of their way to make you feel unwanted and definitely not good enough for their child. Your spouse might even say you are imagining the vibes you are getting from them. You know that just is not the case and you fear that down the road this could take a toll on your marriage. You can’t just ignore the situation, but what can you do to deal with it and be able to move on?
First and foremost, unless your spouse is siding with their parents, do not take it out on them or blame them for their parents’ bad behaviors. If the two of you do not stick together and deal with this, it will only give the in-laws more power and control over your relationship and happiness. The two of you need to sit down, discuss the situation and figure out how to handle the in-laws together.
Confrontation:
Should there come a time where a confrontation is going to take place, make sure your spouse is on your side and willing to confront them with you or for you. Let them know how their behavior makes you feel and that both of you need this to stop because you two are a team and in it for the long-haul. Even if the in-laws are not particularly concerned about your feelings, they might just be set back realizing they are affecting their child as well. They might just step back and see they have out-stepped their boundaries. If you think confrontation is the best option, talk to your partner first whenever possible to get their input and their support.
Avoid Them At All Costs:
When they step into your space, try developing a thick skin and blow them off. That said, if their behavior gets really bad, make sure your spouse will be there to save the day and protect you. Your spouse could request you do something that will get you out of the house until things can be cooled down. Is your spouse willing to go to battle for you and confront their parents on their own? The later will keep you out of the confrontation and they might just listen to their own child.
Other Avenues:
Do not let their behavior get under your skin where you start taking it personally. If you have spent very little time around them, chances are they really don’t know you like your spouse does. It can be difficult to bite your tongue and place your best foot forward, but you must try. Be yourself and allow them to see and understand the real you. Should they continue with their bad manners, you will at least know you are not doing anything to cause these bad behaviors, it’s totally on them. Your spouse will most likely see this and appreciate this and eventually, the in-laws could be the reason for you and your partner to become even closer and stronger.
There are certain things you should do and other things you should not do when dealing with the situation. If you are in a public place with them or in their home, get up and leave if you feel the situation is going to escalate. Things could be said or done that will make the situation even worse.
If you have children, never use them to deal with their grandparents. No matter how difficult it might seem, your kids have a right to a relationship with their grandparents if it is at all possible. This is something you and your spouse need to talk over and come to a middle ground. Now, if the in-laws are saying bad things about you to your children or undermining your authority, both of you need to nip that in the bud! You and your spouse will have to make decisions regarding the amount of time your kids should spend with them, or if it is ultimately necessary to eliminate contact. Your spouse needs to let their parents know that this conduct is inexcusable behavior and will not be tolerated. Children should never be used as weapons by anyone.
Get Couples Therapy:
If your spouse is at odds with approaching situations with your in-laws it might be time for the both of you to seek couples therapy. A professional therapist can help you deal with issues that have crept into your relationship because of the in-laws. Talking it out with the therapist can help both of you to come to terms with how to deal with the parents in a constructive way and not put one party on the defense.
In Conclusion:
There are many couples out there that have wonderful relationships with their in-laws on both sides. Most parents understand that there comes a time when children grow up, leave home and start their own families. In general, they keep their noses out of their child’s personal life unless requested to butt in! Unfortunately, there are in-laws that drive couples crazy! The best advise is take a deep breath, see if you can talk it out with your in-laws and come to a middle ground. If that’s not possible, learn how to just excuse yourself from close encountered moments.
If you live in California and are looking for a therapist, please give us a call at Long Beach Therapy: 562-310-9741.