5 tips for LGBTQIA+ people to survive the holidays:
The holidays can be tough for anyone, but it creates “special” difficulties for the LGBTQIA+ community. When I first came out 25 years ago, there was the “don’t ask, don’t tell” mentality that put us all in the closet to make it convenient for everyone else. As more and more celebrities have come out, it has shown our community that we can be successful, healthy, and most of all ACCEPTED.
These are some survival tips from my professional and personal experiences for people in the LGBTQIA+ community during the holidays.
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Self-Acceptance:
I do believe that it is the most important thing that YOU are okay with YOU. It will make any criticism around the holidays a little more tolerable if you don’t share the same thoughts as the family members you are trying to overcome during the holidays. Embrace your identity and love yourself for who you are!
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Support System:
Go to support groups at your local LGBTQIA+ center, talk to supportive friends, and/or start therapy with a therapist who is an ally or is in the LGBTQIA+ themselves to help build your own self-acceptance level. You can also get help from them on how to handle your family.
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Boundaries:
Decide what boundaries you will set around the holidays and how you will respond to certain family members. There are some family members who are ignorant and/or hateful and no matter what you say, you will be frustrated and defeated. So, decide if the family member is worth your effort. This boundary could be educating family members before-hand (or during the gathering) or it could be skipping the gathering all-together. It is okay to protect your emotional well-being and you shouldn’t feel bad about that.
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Know Who You Are Losing:
If you open your mouth and defend yourself, you could lose family members. If they are helping you financially or some other way, you may have to tolerate them until you are able to stand on your own without their help. Just remember that the parent you are losing could be YOUR IDEA of what you want in a parent and not who your parent actually is. For example: I have had a lot of clients who have a hard time setting boundaries because they are afraid their parent will cut them out. They are really struggling with the idea of what a parent should be and losing THAT loving/caring parent who doesn’t actually exist. Instead, it is important to look at the ACTUAL PARENT you could be losing (the one who yells at you, belittles your lifestyle, and/or is emotionally abusive). In this situation, you are really letting go of the hope that someday your parent will be supportive. This is a tough decision and should not be made lightly. Consider talking to a professional therapist before making this decision.
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Plan-Ahead:
Have a way out (for example something you HAVE to do that requires you to leave the gathering early) so that you can leave early. Have a few defenses lined up so that if you are stuck in a situation, you don’t have to think (e.g., “it’s the holidays and I don’t want to get into this and ruin everyone’s day”, “you already know what I think and I know what you think, can we just try to enjoy the holiday”, or “if you continue to grill me about this, I’m going to need to leave”).
If you want help planning for the holiday, or want help recovering from the holiday, please consider talking to a professional therapist who is in the LGBTQIA+ community. Not only have they dealt with this issue personally, but they also have the education and experience to help you through the holidays. At Long Beach Therapy, we have several therapists who are in the LGBTQIA+ community as well as therapists who are allies to the LGBTQIA+ community. Reach out by calling 562-310-9741 or emailing us at info@longbeachtherapy.com.