Common issues kids have while their parents are divorcing

One of the things that we develop in our adult years are coping mechanisms that help us deal with the stress and strain of everyday grown-up life. No matter how good we are at dealing with tough times, it is a skill that can be the most seriously tested when divorce rears its ugly head. Many adults have a difficult time coping with the pain of a failed marriage, so just take a moment to imagine what it must be like for children who are caught in the middle of a divorce. Their reactions can differ wildly, depending on their age and maturity level. That said, there are some common reactions that parents can expect from their kids before, during, and after a divorce.

One of the most common things that children do when being told of an impending divorce is to find some way to lay the blame on themselves. Some children will come right out and ask if your divorce is because of something they have done, while others will internalize the thought and start to act out of character in the weeks and months that follow. It is important that you and your partner make it perfectly clear that the children are not to blame. There is no need to go into specifics as to the actual reasons for the divorce, just so long as it is abundantly clear that the kids are blame free.

Once the children have accepted that the divorce is indeed going to take place, they may very well choose a side. It is not uncommon for those alliances to fall along gender lines, with girls siding with the mother while boys take the side of the father. This may well lead to them acting out and being rude to the other parent, which is something that needs to be nipped in the bud as quickly as possible. No matter how angry you are at your ex, they will always be a parent to your child and it is important that respect is maintained by your children.  If you hear your child say or do something disrespectful towards their other parent, give them the same consequences as if you heard them talking or acting that way towards another respected adult.

Another thing to be on the lookout for once the divorce has been finalized and you and your ex are in separate homes are the tall tales. Kids will often try to make it appear as though their time at one place or the other is awful, and that they are not being treated very well. There are times when this may be the case, but they tend to be rare (you know their other parent better than most people and have a good idea of what that other parent may or may not do). It often simply boils down to the child not being happy to be spending time in an unfamiliar place or an attempt to get you back together with your ex so that you “save” the kids from your ex’s new awful behavior. This is another reason why it is important to try and remain amicable with an ex when kids are involved, as you can then easily compare notes in regards what the children are feeling.  If you ever feel like there truly is abuse involved, contact the authorities if needed to assure safety.

If the problems persist, or you feel ill-equipped to handle the situation with your children, speaking to a therapist may provide you and your little ones with the help you need to get through a tough time.