How Do I Deal With My Bipolar Spouse?
What is bipolar Disorder:
Bipolar Disorder can be many things, but in general, it is a person who goes through extreme highs (Mania/Hypomania) and extreme lows (Depression). There are other disorders that look similar, so please leave the diagnosing to a trained and licensed professional (such as a therapist, psychiatrist, or medical doctor). Mania and Hypomania are simply words describing how “high” the upswings are in Bipolar.
How to deal with my bipolar spouse?
First let me say, that unless they have been formally diagnosed, the actual diagnosis of “Bipolar Disorder” may or may be what your spouse has. There are several disorders in which people’s mood fluctuates, but Bipolar is the diagnosis that most people are aware of and therefore, that is the label I will use for this blog. This blog is also relevant to many other mood disorders. If you husband/wife is willing to go in to get evaluated, that would be the best option. If you have read my other blogs, you will know that I am not a huger pusher of medication. I think medication can be very helpful, but I also believe that with many things, medication does not necessarily have to be the first option (this is a decision best made between the patient and doctor). With bipolar disorder, I have seen great success with a combination of talk therapy and medication. The only problem with medication is that people with Bipolar Disorder start feeling better and then figure they don’t need the medication and the ups and downs in their mood start all over again. This is the very reason many spouses come in to see me. They come in because their spouse refuses to get treatment and they then have to live with someone with extreme mood swings.
I am often asked “What can I do to help my spouse?” Other than them getting talk therapy and/or a medication evaluation, there is not a ton you can do for them. You can simply learn to ride their waves and learn how to take care of yourself. Taking care of YOURSELF is the best way you can help them.
1) get your own support.
Just because they refuse talk therapy, does not have to mean you can’t go by yourself. You can talk to the therapist about specific problems you are having and they can help you learn to cope and learn strategies to talk to your spouse. Support can also mean getting involved with your own friends and social support groups, such as joining a walking group, a book club, a bowling league, etc. You do not always have to budge if your spouse has an episode that requires you to stay home. You are not their therapist and you need to be your own person. If you think of getting on an airplane, the flight attendants always say “in case of loss of air pressure, secure your own oxygen mask first”. The reason for this is that you cannot help someone else unless you can breathe/survive first. Without taking care of yourself, you cannot last very long in taking care of someone else. Your spouse will be worse off if you do not engage in self-care. Go to www.nami.com (National Association of Mental Health). They have support groups you can go to where you will meet people going through similar things are you are experiencing.
2) protect yourself and your family.
If their “up-swing” (technical term is: Manic Episode or Hypomanic Episode) involves spending too much, gambling, and other things that involves your financial security, you can tell them that you want to limit their access to money. Although they are adults and can simply apply for another credit card, they won’t be able to gamble away your house or car. If their Manic Episode involves promiscuous sex, you can choose to only have protected sex with your partner. This way, even if they choose to put themselves at risk, you are protected.
3) don’t make ultimatums unless you plan to follow through with them.
Many people get frustrated and make threats such as “if you don’t take medication, I’m leaving”, “if you don’t get out of bed, I’m filing for divorce”, etc. Once you don’t follow through, your spouse realizes that you are all talk and they stop listening and believing what you say. At this point you are going through mood swings with them and getting angry/frustrated every time they have an up or down swing. If you want to leave if they don’t take their medication, that is a very valid choice. Just don’t say you’re going to leave and then go back on it.
4) beware of the internet.
Unless you are looking at a blog from a therapist or doctor, you don’t know who is posting the information you are reading. You don’t have to possess any credentials to have a website or to write on a blog. Some of the information is great and other information can be very damaging. Also, just because a technique worked with one person, does not mean it will work in your situation. Another concern is that you may not even be sure if your spouse has the disorder you are reading about.
5) don’t lose yourself in their mood swings.
I mentioned it above, but it is worth saying again. If your husband or wife has bipolar disorder, they will be going through waves of depression and mania/hypomania that could last moments, days or months. You do not have to go through ups and downs yourself. Get support!!
If you are looking for individual therapy or couples therapy for Bipolar in Long Beach, please give me a call to ask me a question or to set up an appointment.