I haven’t had sex with my partner in months (or years), please help!

Questions to ask yourself:

1. When was the last time that sex was satisfying to me?

If sex is satisfying, skip to #2.
Think back to what was happening when sex was satisfying. What was happening before? Due to time restraints, people often skip the foreplay or connection time and expect to clean the house, get ready for bed and then have sex after an exhausting day. Think about having sex BEFORE dinner/chores so you have more energy for sex and then you can try doing your chores while you are tired.

If your partner is not able to do the things that make you enjoy sex, talk to them at a time you aren’t trying to be intimate. Trying to give ideas of what you would like DURING sex is often seen as a harsh criticism, no matter how nicely you say it.

If you are still having problems, call 562-310-9741 and make an appointment to get ideas on how to improve your intimacy in your relationship.

2. When was the last time the frequency of sex was satisfying to me?
3. How often would I like to have sex?
4. How often does my partner want to have sex?

Often times, one partner has a higher libido than the other partner. If one person wants to have sex 1 time per month and the other one time per day, it is possible to try to get to a compromise. Finding out if there is anything that would help the person with the lower libido want to be more intimate is the first step. Another thing to think about is whether or not the person with the lower libido is being satisfied. Sometimes one partner is okay taking 20 minutes out of the day to have sex, and the other person prefers sex to be more of a process with time to connect, foreplay, etc. Talk to each other about what you would like to have happen and try to get to a compromise.

5. What are the things I prioritize before sex?
6. Do we have fun together on vacation?
7. Is sex more frequent or more enjoyable on vacation?

When people are on vacation, most of the stresses of the world go away and there is more time to connect and enjoy each other. If you fight more while on vacation or have less of a connection, I would recommend setting up an appointment to learn communication skills to get along better.

People lose attraction to their partner often times because they start to view their partner as a roommate or co-parent instead of as a lover. Life gets busy and since we view our partner will be there “til death do we part”, we feel that we can set them aside for more urgent issues. The first step in getting back intimacy in your relationship is actually spending time with your partner. PRIORITIZE THEM!! Watching a movie with family/friends does not count. I want you to think back on when you first were dating. What are the things you were doing? Plan a weekly (or more often if possible) date where just the two of you have time together. If you have small children, this may be more tricky (one suggestion is having a date at home after the kids go to bed..get creative!!!). During the date, make sure you are making eye contact, holding hands, or something where you are connecting. Try out the 30 day relationship challenge on the home page of this website for ideas on connecting.

If, after trying all of these strategies, your intimacy has not improved, please call and make an appointment.  It can be your first step in prioritizing your relationship.

Also, If one partner has a history of sexual assault, it is important for them to sort out their own thoughts and feelings in therapy about what sex means to them and triggers it may create BEFORE trying to increase intimacy with their partner.

If you are looking for individual therapy or couples therapy in Long Beach, please give me a call to ask me a question or to set up an appointment.