I’m Tired of Fighting With My Spouse, What Can I Do? Tips From A Couples Therapist In Long Beach

I’m tired of fighting with my spouse, what can I do?

First, let me say, that if there is any type of emotional (verbal), physical or sexual abuse that you need to get help on your own.  If this is your situation, please disregard the remainder of this information and get help.  If you call me, I will be glad to help you find someone who can help you.

1.      Make sure that you are listening.  Often times we think that we are listening, but we aren’t.  Often when I have a couple in a therapy session and the first person finishes talking, I will ask the other person “what did they say?”  Usually what the “listener” heard isn’t anything close to what the first person said.  So one tip is to say “I am trying to work on listening to you, can I tell you what I heard to see if I got it right?”  Then tell them what you heard.  If you got it wrong, as “can you tell me again please”.  If you got it right, then you can respond to their statement. 

2.      Never say “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry you feel/think that I hurt you”.   What that is telling the other person is how they are thinking or that what they are feeling is wrong.  Instead you can say “I’m sorry what I said hurt you, that wasn’t at all my intention”.  If hurting them was your intention, please pay close attention to number 8.

3.      Always look at your part in the fight.  Even if you think your partner is 90% to blame, then that means you still hold 10% of the responsibility.   Look at your part, and fix THAT before you look at their part.  Sometimes admitting that you are to blame also is the first step to being a team.  After all, isn’t that what a couple is supposed to be, a team. 

4.      If you feel that you are ALWAYS to blame (in the eyes of your partner), you can seek your own individual therapy to get objective feedback as to if you are being a pushover all the time, or if perhaps you might be able to do more to help the team.

5.      Remember, when it is all said and done (if you were to separate) you want to ask yourself: “Did I do everything possible to save this relationship?” If, in your heart, you know the answer is “yes”, then you will have less regret if you decide to end it.  

6.      Remember that the skills you are practicing aren’t solely for your partners benefit.  If you do split up, then when you (eventually) get into another relationship, your new communication skills can benefit you in future relationships.

7.      Keep in mind the person you married.  They are still in there somewhere.  When you are fighting, focus on the things you like about the other person.  It is sometimes hard to see, especially if you have been feeling disconnected for a long time, but it is a necessary step to getting your partnership back on track.

8.      If after all of this, you are still fighting.  Seriously consider getting professional help.  As expensive as therapy might seem, a divorce can be more costly (financially and emotionally).

If you are looking for individual therapy or couples therapy in Long Beach, please give me a call to ask me a question or to set up an appointment.