Codependency In Lesbian Relationships.
Info From A Lesbian Therapist In Long Beach
When you hear the term “codependence”, what is the first thing that comes into your mind? According to many mental health therapists, codependency is an inherently dysfunctional dance requiring two opposite but distinctly balanced partners that include the controller or taker and the fixer or pleaser. Sensitive to neurochemicals and oxytocin of attachment, lesbians bond faster and more intensely than other couples. There are times that those intense relationships develop into the so called lesbian codependency.
A codependent person is the one who is sacrificing, consumed and giving to the desires and needs of the other. In addition to this, the codependent person does not know how to emotionally disconnect or avoid romantic relationships with people who are narcissistic.
When a codependent person is in a relationship with another codependent person:
If they end up with someone who is also codependent, this can become a real problem. Neither one feels comfortable setting boundaries and they both prefer to be together above all else. Although this sounds really sweet, problems can arise. (1) Eventually, they can get tired of one another and therefore the passion fades (often called Lesbian Bed Death). (2) You share the same circle of friends so you don’t have anyone YOU can confide in who will 100% be on your side. (3) If you ever break up, you have lost your whole basket of eggs (hence, the phrase “don’t put all your eggs in one basket”).
How do you solve this problem? Take time apart. Go out 2-4 times per week (or more) without the other person to develop friendships on your own. This can also help you to miss the other person, which is a great thing for a couple. When you miss one another you are more likely to remember the things you miss about them.
When a codependent person is in a relationship with a non-codependent person
Often problems in these lesbian relationships revolve around a pursuer (the codependent person) and a distance (the non-codependent person). What I hear as a therapist from the codependent partner are things like “when I want to talk, the other person walks away”, “they never want to talk”. What I hear from the non-codependent person is: “They won’t leave me alone”, “when I’m angry I need to cool down before I talk”.
How to solve this problem?
In these situations, it is helpful for the pursuer to allow their partner to leave and cool down. It is also important for the distance to tell the partner WHEN you will be back (to avoid feelings of abandonment) and that you do LOVE them and want to work on it later.
When a codependent person is in a relationship with a narcissistic person
Narcissistic people are those who are harmful, controlling, self-centered and selfish to the codependent person. Apart from this, codependents find themselves attracted to these partners because they seem to be a perfect counter match to their acquiescent, submissive and passive dance style. The narcissist allows the codependent to do everything for them and the codependent person doesn’t usually mind being controlled as long as the narcissistic person is giving them attention.
Discover the Characteristics of Codependency
According to some researches, codependent lesbians have greater tendency to enter into relationships with women who are emotionally needy or unavailable. Aside from this, a codependent lesbian tries to control a relationship without directly addressing and identifying her own desires and needs. Furthermore, a codependent lesbian usually feels that they are acting in another person’s best interest, making it hard for them to foresee the controlling nature of their own behavior.
Characteristics and Examples of Codependent Behavior
Sensitivity to criticism
Reluctance to share true feelings and thoughts for fear of displeasing others
Projection of self-reliance and competence
Fear and perfectionism of failure
Low self-esteem
Helplessness and internalized shame
Responsibility for the suffering of others or feelings of guilt
Feeling undeserving of happiness
Discomfort with receiving help or attention from others
Denial of personal problems
Enabling or caring for someone who abuses alcohol or drugs
Doing anything to keep the relationship strong and going even if it means sacrificing your own wants and needs
Obsessing about your partner to the point where she does not have to think about anything since you have taken care of it all
Creating a sense of being valued by doing so much for others
Hoping that you effort and work will pay off in the end when your partner developed a utter and total dependence on you
Recovering from Codependency
Changing codependent tendencies is not an easy process. Just like other addictions, it is a one day at a time type of journey, by which you must understand and retool yourself and how you fit into it. Moreover, recovery is a process by which you must become aware of your behaviors, give action to those changes, learn to accept yourself and most importantly boost your self-esteem.
If you are one of those lesbians who are struggling with issues of codependency, you are not alone. It is something that people commonly come in to therapy for. If you think you might be in a codependent relationship or are prone to codependent relationships, call me and so we can begin to work on ways that you might feel comfortable setting boundaries and have a healthier and happier relationship.
If you are looking for a gay friendly therapist in Long Beach, or Transgender friendly therapist in Long Beach, please call to set up an appointment. Please remember that if you are not in driving distance from my office, that I do provide Skype and facetime sessions. It is sometimes difficult to find a gay friendly therapist, so I try to accommodate my clients by providing tele-therapy (meaning skype, facetime, etc).
