Couples Therapist In Long Beach That Will Teach You How To Have Better Communication in Your Relationship

Communication is one of the main cornerstones of a happy and healthy relationship. Without this, a couple will not have a good chance of surviving, at least not happily. It’s easy to make mistakes when communicating with your partner. But, the biggest problem is on how you’ll deal with it.
To fix any issue regarding communication, you first need to determine where the breakdown in communication is. Here are some of the tips that may be helpful in clearing up the communication problems with your partner:

1. Be Clear With The Things You Need

If problems exist, you need to be honest about it. Hiding it from your partner allows the issue to intensify. Acting as if nothing happened doesn’t usually work well, especially if your partner knows you at all. Be careful not to bring things up when you are angry or frustrated, as this often ends up in an explosive argument, and even more serious problems can occur. When everything seems calm in the house, remind yourself of why you are with your partner in the first place and then take a deep breath and ask them if you both can talk.

2. Use A Calm Voice

The key to a having better communication in your relationship is to have calm and loving communication. Talk to your partner without the use of negative, harsh and derogatory words. Use a clear and soft voice without belittling your partner. If you start the conversation in a negative tone, then your partner may feel the tension and act defensively. Practice listening to every word of what your partner is saying. Often times when they feel listened to, they are able to relax a bit and communication is more likely to be successful.

3. Choosing the Right Time

Pay attention to when your partner is most relaxed. Don’t choose to have a conversation about something major right when they get home from work. I have many clients who say that their partner wakes them up to argue or starts arguing before they even put their keys away after coming home from work. I think anyone could tell the future in these types of scenarios. If you want to have a good outcome, choose a good time. Also try to sit down and talk to your partner without any distractions. This means not to talk an hour before you are going out with friends, or right before their favorite television show. Bring up the issue when you actually have time to talk. If your life is busy, schedule a time with them that is convenient for both of you.

4. Offer Hope

Let your partner know you believe that you can fix any problem as long as you both work on it together. Give your partner hope that you truly want to issue to be resolved and that you are willing to look at your part in it. Often if they see you looking at your part, they are much more likely to acknowledge their own part.
Communication problems can be resolved if both you and your partner will work together. If all attempts at positive communication fail, try couples therapy before you file for a divorce or break up. One of the best indicators for couple’s therapy to be successful is to start therapy early on before resentments build up. It is more difficult (not impossible) to have successful therapy later on, it just takes more work.

5. Don’t Use Distractors

What is a distractor? It’s when your partner brings something up and you tell them what they did to cause your behavior.
CLASSIC EXAMPLE:
Complaint: “You never seem to look at me and don’t want to cuddle anymore”.
Response: “That’s because you have an anger problem, who would want to look at you or cuddle when you have an anger problem?”
CHANGE TO:
Complaint: “You never seem to look at me and don’t want to cuddle anymore”.
Response: “Can you help me find a good time to cuddle with you, sometimes I’m not sure if you are open to it?”

The second response shows you taking responsibility for your part and not blaming your partner. In every relationship, each partner has a part to play in having a successful outcome. Even if you feel like your contribution to the argument is tiny, it is still a part. Again, when you show your partner that you are willing to look at your end, often they are more likely to look at their end (I can’t express this enough).
Clues you are using distractors include: (1) Your partner says: “You are changing the topic”, “that’s not even what we are talking about”, “it’s always my fault, isn’t it”, or your partner simply disengages.

6. Don’t Be Right

I often ask couples “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” When you are wanting to be right, that means you are wanting your partner to be wrong. Remember, you are in a partnership!! If you want to be right, then be single. Being in a partnership means understanding that there are very little facts in life, only perceptions. Your partner’s perception is just as valid as yours and when they feel like you understand that, they will be much more open to positive communication.

7. Go To Couples or Individuals Mental Health Counseling

Going to couples therapy may be the most effective tool in turning your communication around. Often you can hear from therapist things you can’t hear from your partner. Often I will give a suggestion that a client will listen to and make changes and then I hear the partner say “how many times have I told you that exact same thing?” It is way easier hearing things from a therapist than hearing them from someone you are upset/resentful with. Also, as a therapist I have had training in how to effectively bring up issues so that I don’t evoke as much defensiveness as other people might.
Individual therapy can be helpful so that you can recognize your own issues that feed into the problems in your relationship.

If you are looking for individual therapy or couples therapy in Long Beach, please give me a call to ask me a question or to set up an appointment.