How To Deal With My In-Laws Over The Holidays
How To Deal With In-Laws Who Don’t Like You
There are literally thousands of jokes about in-laws and the sometimes tricky relationships with them. There are situations where the mother and father of a spouse will seem to go out of their way to show how much disdain they have for you. Many people often start out by believing that they are imagining this dislike, but as time goes on, it can become all too clear that the in-laws are simply not willing to play ball. Since ignoring them completely generally isn’t an option, you need to find ways to be able to manage your relationship with them without it spilling over into your relationship with your spouse.
The first thing that you need to do is make sure that you don’t lay any of the blame for their behavior on your spouse. Unless your spouse is taking sides and joining in the hate, chances are they are as frustrated about the situation as you are and blaming them will only allow your in-laws to have that much more control over the happiness in your relationship. This is where you and your spouse have decisions to make in terms of how to handle the in-laws.
1) Confronting
If you decide to confront your in-laws, you need to form a united front in talking to your in-laws to let them know how their behavior makes you feel. This should be done with your spouse by your side, as this will show them that you are a team, and that you are in this thing for the long haul. This approach may not always work as well as you would like, but oftentimes it will make the in-laws see that their behavior is also affecting their own child.
2) Avoiding
The other option is to try to limit your exposure to them and when you are near them, trying to develop skills to ignore their behavior. One tip is that when their behavior gets bad, have your spouse “save you”. Have them get you out of the situation. Whether your spouse asks you to do them a favor that involves you leaving or if your spouse confronts their behavior on your behalf, in this scenario, you are not the one doing the confronting.
3) Other tips
It’s important that you don’t take the things that they say to heart. You have probably spent a very limited amount of time around them, so they won’t know you as well as your spouse does. If you are constantly on edge and feeling judged when they are around, it can be tough to put your best foot forward. Just do all that you can to be yourself, and allow them a little window into the true you. If they still remain petty and spiteful, you can at least know that it’s not because you are doing something to make them behave that way.
There are some things you definitely should and should not do when dealing with this type of situation. If you are at the home of your in-laws or at some neutral venue, you should get up and leave if you feel as though the situation is about to come to an unpleasant head. Things may be said or done that can make the whole thing untenable moving forward. You should also not use your kids (grandkids) as pawns in the situation. They still have a right to a relationship with their grandparents, no matter how difficult it may be for you to maintain one. The only exception to this rule is if they are talking bad about you in front of your kids. This is an issue that you and your spouse need to weigh in on together. Does limiting/eliminating the relationship your kids have with grandparents who might talk badly about you outweigh the impact those words might make in the relationship between you and your kids.
If you and your spouse are at odds as to how you should approach the situation with troublesome in-laws, it may be a good idea to consider couples therapy. A professional therapist can help you deal with rifts that may have entered your relationship because of the in-law issue, and they can also offer suggestions as to how to properly deal with your in-laws.
If you are looking for individual therapy or couples therapy in Long Beach, please give me a call to ask me a question or to set up an appointment.