Coming out over the holidays. A guide to telling your parents you are gay
Tips for Telling Your Family You’re Gay:
One of the hardest things for any gay person to do is come out to their family. To be honest, however, it’s a difficult moment for many parents as well. Reactions can vary from outright rejection to “We already know, what took you so long?” Whether you are considering breaking the news over the holidays, or some other time, here are some things to keep in mind as you consider what, when, and how to say it.
1) Timing –
There is never going to be an easy time to tell your parents that you are gay. However, some times are better than others. If you are considering having “the talk” over a holiday dinner, wait until after the meal. Before the meal, everyone is hungry and stressed out. Take some time to enjoy the food, there’s not a rush. Along the same lines, if you are still dependent on your parents, and you think they may react badly, you may want to wait until you have more independence from them so that you are not left without a way to support yourself if they react more harshly than you expect.
2) Confidence –
It’s important to be content with your situation when you come out. You don’t want to be heartbroken after breaking up with a longtime partner when you talk to your parents. If they see you miserable, it will only reinforce their worst fears.
3) Be prepared –
Your parents may surprise you, but if they are ultraconservative and/or openly homophobic, there is a chance that they will react strongly. Rest assured that there is probably no concern your parents can raise that hasn’t already been addressed. Do your homework, and you’ll find plenty of ways to answer any concern. If your parents are very religious, you may very well encounter religious arguments. This is one argument that cannot be won in a single conversation, but with a little preparation you don’t have to feel like it is a lost cause. It might be that your educating them on the topic (for example, that you can still have kids if you want, you can get married, you can be happy) might eventually bring them into the light. Also, attending a PFLAG meeting (pflag.org) or attending a few therapy sessions can get you even more prepared and comfortable with coming out to your family.
4) Stay calm –
You may be lucky enough to have the kind of parents that support you no matter what. However, many parents react with anger and even cruelty. As tempting as it may be, you cannot fight fire with fire in that situation. You have to be the adult in this conversation. You may also need to know when to make your exit and give them time to cool off. Remember, that your negative behavior could influence how they react.
5) Manage your expectations –
Your parents have developed their beliefs over many years and are not likely to change them quickly. If your parents don’t respond as well as you would like, give them space but don’t give up. Show them that you haven’t changed; you’re just being a little more open. Whatever happens, remember, you do not need your parents’ permission to be who you are and there are PLENTY of people in this world who will love you and support you regardless of how your family reacts.
No matter how they react in the beginning, remember that your parents love you and want nothing more than for you to be happy and healthy. It can be difficult for a parent to realize their child didn’t turn out as they’d hoped or expected, and it can take time for them to accept this new part of you. Also, many parents say that they are okay with their child being gay, but fear for them. They hear on the news about people in the LGBTQ population being harmed and targeted. This sometimes is behind their disapproval. PLEASE reach out for support if you need it!! Having parents who don’t fully support you can be very difficult. Everyone’s coming out process is different and although friends can be supportive, sometimes they don’t have the tools necessary to help you process through this in a healthy way. Think about setting up an appointment with a gay friendly therapist who can help you through the process. When I came out to my family, I needed all the support I could get. As I have counseled people about coming out, I find that most people can really benefit from having someone to bounce ideas off of, get unconditional support, and give you tips based on various scenarios that could happen when you come out to your parents.
If you are a parent and your child has just come out to you, please click here and read this article. No matter how old or young your child is, they need your support. Many times parents are worried for their child’s safety and that worry gets misheard by children as their parents being unsupportive. If are afraid of their child being bullied, injured or targeted because they are gay, make sure you are not the one inflicting the first wound. It is hard being a parent, but unconditional support goes a long way.