Creative Negotiation for a Stronger Relationship
If you’re lucky, you have a lot in common with your partner, but it’s a given that you won’t always see eye to eye. Creative negotiation can help the two of you reach a solution that you can both be happy with.
Many people fear negotiating and, as a result, avoid conflict at all cost. When we don’t negotiate, we don’t get our needs met, which can lead to feeling resentful. The good news is negotiating is a skill that can be learned.
Knowing What to Negotiate
It’s important to understand what is negotiable and what isn’t. For example, if you and your partner have substantially different religious beliefs, it’s unreasonable for either of you to expect the other to give up your faith. However, you can come to an agreement regarding how you will raise your children, how you will celebrate holidays, etc. One tip before having kids is to discuss your “big ticket” items before you have kids so that you can still decide to go your separate ways if it doesn’t work. Once you have kids, that other person will always have 50% say over your children. Deciding what is and isn’t negotiable is different for everyone. Sometimes, it can be helpful to talk to a therapist for a session or two so you can have someone to bounce your ideas off of.
Before You Negotiate
It doesn’t matter whether you are asking your boss for a raise or asking your partner to pitch in a little more with the house work, successful negotiation depends on solid preparation. Think about what you hope to accomplish and what you’re willing to do to work it out with your partner.
Remember that you and your partner are not adversaries. In the end, you both want much the same thing, to be happy and to make each other happy. To that end, you both want the same thing, to resolve your issue in a way that you both find satisfactory, not to find a way to ‘win’, especially if that means your partner must lose.
The Issue
When you’re trying to resolve an issue with your partner, it’s important to understand what the issue is and why it’s an issue for each of you. Sometimes, simply understanding the issue from the other person’s point of view is enough to suggest an acceptable solution. Start by talking about the issue, why it’s important to each of you, and what you hope to accomplish.
Brainstorming
Sometimes the best solution isn’t the most obvious, and this is where the creative part of creative negotiating comes into play. There are dozens of ways to work out how household chores will be handled for example, and they don’t necessarily involve being stuck with jobs you hate, including budgeting for a housekeeper, budgeting for better appliances to help with these chores, and lowering standards. Do you really need to vacuum and dust every day? Would once a week suffice?
In some cases, a little brainstorming will generate a solution that gives you both everything you want. More often, you’re both going to have to give a little and meet somewhere in the middle. Sometimes you’re going to feel like you’re giving up more than your partner. If you do, and you expect your partner to return the favor in the future, or in another matter, tell your partner what you want, don’t expect your partner to read your mind, and don’t blindside them with it later.