Premarital Tips From A Relationship Therapist In Long Beach
Considering Marriage? Things to Consider Before Taking the Plunge
It’s amazing how many couples get divorced because they got married without really knowing all that much about each other. If you’re engaged or considering marriage, here are some things you both should know about each other before taking that step.
1) Debt
Do either of you have debt, and if so, how are you paying it off?
2) Children
Do you want children? If not, are you willing to consider permanent contraception, or do you think you might change your mind? If so, how soon? What steps are you willing to take if you find you are unable to conceive naturally? Would you prefer to build your family in another way?
3) Location
Do you want to stay in one place? If so, where? What might persuade you to consider another location?
4) Religion
Do you have a particular faith? Does your partner share your faith? How does your faith affect your daily life? What faith would you like to raise your children in?
5) Your home
Would you like to live in a huge house with a pool? Or are you more of a tiny house/more freedom type of person? Or maybe you’d like a farm, or a little chateau in Paris, or a little underground hobbit dwelling. While you may or may not be able to have your dream home, you’ll find yourself closer if your partner shares similar goals.
6) Money
Will you share an account? Keep your own? Some of both? If you have more than one account, what bills will be paid by which account? Will one of you take time off work if you have children? What happens if one of you loses your job?
7) Chores
Dishes, laundry, vacuuming, trash, yard work, the list goes on. How are you going to divide the housework? It helps if the things you hate doing are things your partner doesn’t mind, and vice versa, but if there are some chores you both hate, how are you going to handle them? Will you hire someone to do those things, or make some compromise?
8) Sex
Can you handle the idea of sleeping with your partner for the rest of your life? If not, you need to discuss this and have a plan for either an open relationship, or other ways to keep things interesting. If you can’t come to an agreement on this, you may want to wait on sealing the deal. Also, what kind of sex do you both enjoy? If one of you enjoys role playing, while the other finds getting into the storyline awkward, how do you manage?
9) Your bed
Firm or soft? Seriously. If you and your partner have different ideas of a comfortable bed, you’re going to have to consider your sleeping arrangements. Are you going to invest in a bed that allows you both to adjust the firmness? Or consider separate beds for sleeping?
10) Family
How much time do you each want to spend with your family? How are you going to spend holidays? Do you vacation with your family and do you want to continue? Would you consider allowing your partner to stay home as you visit your family alone all the time or some of the time?
11) Leisure time
What kind of vacations do you each enjoy? If your partner goes camping every year while you can’t stand the idea of being without your creature comforts, how are you going to compromise? What kinds of leisure activities do you each enjoy? Are there some that you share?
12) Names
What last name are you going to use? If you have children, do you have your heart set on names? If you don’t both use the same last name, which will your children use?
13) Work
How committed are you to your career? How will your work affect your home life? Are you still in school or training for your dream job?
14) Politics
If one of you is a staunch democrat while the other listens to Rush Limbaugh religiously every day, you’re likely to find yourself in some heated discussions. Do you see eye to eye on most political issues? If not, can you both agree to either not discuss them or to do so respectfully?
It’s not very romantic, but marriage really isn’t all romance. If you can’t answer these questions, you need to table any further discussion of marriage until you each know where you stand on these issues (and any others that are important to you). If you find yourself butting heads on any issue it doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. All it means is that a few sessions of relationship counseling may be needed to help you find some middle ground that you can both live with. If you would like to find a relationship counselor in Long Beach to help you and your partner iron out details before making a commitment, contact me at 562-310-9741.