Should I come out at Thanksgiving?

Tips from a gay therapist in Long Beach

Coming Out During The Holidays Is Effective, But Requires Care

Coming out is a big and necessary step for every member of the LGBT community. Who do you tell first? How do you tell them? When is the right time to talk to your loved ones?  For many people, the answer to the latter question is the holidays.  While you’re still in the closet, you work hard to establish a proud life separate from your past and from your family.  But going home for the holidays often forces you back into the closet and forces you to deal with the looming pressure to tell your family the truth.

There are several benefits to coming out during the holidays.  The rest of the year, you might be separated from your family by distance.  Outside of Thanksgiving, Christmas, or other major holidays you celebrate with your family, you have limited contact with your family.  Coming out via text, email, or phone call just doesn’t have the same effect as communicating face to face.  For many LGBT people, the holidays serve as the only time to have this highly personal form of communication.

Additionally, coming out around the holidays saves you the nerve-wracking duty of telling everyone in individual conversations.  When you live apart from your family, you have to constantly re-live the agony of your initial coming out conversation with every member you choose to tell.  Odds are, the whole family will be there for the holidays.  You can kill two birds (or twenty) with one stone.

In general, coming out during the holidays can be great for you because it’s a time to connect in person and with several members of your family.  But unfortunately, there are downsides.

Timing is everything during the holidays.  Quite often, many families host more than just immediate family for big holiday events or meals.  Neighbors, family friends, and co-workers frequently make appearances during these special times.  If your big moment happens in front of an audience that isn’t limited to family, family drama could play out in front of strangers.  Though you’ve finally built up the courage to talk to your family, it’s important to remember their feelings, too.  Revealing things in front of other guests could layer anger or embarrassment on top of the already difficult feelings that may manifest.

Also, you know your family.  So try to anticipate their responses.  If you know that this will be difficult for them to process, don’t tell them as soon as you arrive.  A negative response from your family could ruin the holiday for you and everyone else before it even begins.  The holidays are a stressful time, and sometimes, the response you get from family might be more about the responsibilities of hosting than about your actual news.  It’s important to launch this discussion when you feel your family will be best equipped to handle it.

If things go especially poorly, you might even be asked to leave.  This is by far the worst-case scenario, but it’s something you should be prepared for.  Always have an escape plan or alternate plans just in case.

Coming out during the holidays can be an effective way to attack the problem head on.  But it’s important to weigh all the options so that your family is able to receive and understand the message the way you intended.   If you are wanting to talk over your plan, ways to phrase things, or simply getting up the nerve to come out, please call me to schedule an appointment.  I am a lesbian therapist in Long Beach who knows how hard coming out can be.  I was the clinical director at the Gay and Lesbian center so I know this story all too well and have picked up a lot of tools along the way to help.