Is my low self-esteem to blame for my relationship problems?

When a relationship ends, it normally does so because of a number of different issues. For some, it is money problems that are at the root of the problem, while communication issues, infidelity and sexual problems also rank high on the list. While those are certainly the most common reasons for a relationship to fracture beyond repair, they are certainly not the only ones. One problem that people are often not aware of as causing divisiveness within a relationship is low self-esteem. Many people who make their way into couple’s therapy often do so because one of the people in the relationship has serious self-esteem issues.
People with low self-esteem may well be in a relationship that is loving and healthy, but they will have a hard time believing that to be the truth. The person suffering from low self-esteem will always feel as though they are not good enough for their partner, or that any mistake they make will have their spouse heading for the hills. A relationship thrives when both people feel as though they are getting the support and unconditional love that they need form their partner, but it will soon start to fall apart when one starts to have any sort of doubts about the intentions of the other.
Some of this comes from the person with low self-esteem constantly needs validation and proof that their partner loves them. One of the biggest misconceptions that people tend to have is that people with low self-esteem will start to feel better about themselves once they are in a loving relationship and getting that validation. The fact of the matter is that things can actually start to head in the opposite direction rather quickly. It doesn’t matter how many times a person tells you that they love you, or that you look wonderful if you don’t believe it yourself. It’s impossible to imagine that anyone can see anything good about you if you cannot see it when you look in the mirror. The more you cast doubt on what your partner is saying, the more likely it is that they will stop showering you with positive platitudes.
The way in which this works is really rather simple, but no less devastating to both parties. The person with low self-esteem will automatically assume that their partner is angling for something anytime they do or say something nice. That leads to mistrust, and often ends with the person with self-esteem issues trying to discredit everything their partner says. They will respond to positivity with negative comments, which will pretty quickly bring a healthy relationship to a grinding halt.
Self-esteem can get in the way of you being able to build a solid, lasting relationship, so you need to get to the heart of the reasons why you feel the way you do. Talking to a professional therapist can help unlock the reasons for your low self-esteem, as they may not always be totally evident. Negative thoughts can quickly be replaced by positive when you understand and deal with the things that make you feel so bad about yourself. Once you have these coping skills in hand, you can move on to a healthier, happier relationship.
If you are looking for an individual therapist or couple’s therapist in Long Beach, Lakewood or the surrounding areas, please give me a call to ask me a question or to set up an appointment.