How can I be nice without being a doormat? Tips from a couples therapist in Long Beach.

I have many clients who come in to see me and they talk about how people tend to take advantage of them.  They say “my roommate eats my food without asking”, “my in-laws assume that I will do any home repair they want me to do, at the time they want it done”, or “my boss keeps putting more on my desk to do, but they don’t give other people more to do”.

The reason why they often do this to YOU is because they know you will do it.  Humans want the path of least resistance.  And perhaps that path is YOU.

I will often hear their stories and then my client and I both feel like their bully is so mean and unstoppable.   Then I ask “what do they say when you tell them no?”   Then my client usually gives me a blank stare and eventually will say, “I don’t”.  When I ask why they don’t stand up for themselves they will say that the other person SHOULD just be more considerate, my roommate should know that is my food and they shouldn’t touch my food without permission”.      However, perhaps if the other person had food in fridge, they would be totally okay with you eating it.   Perhaps the other person has no idea that you aren’t okay with it.  Don’t assume that your insinuating or your body language is enough of a way to communicate what you want and don’t want.

What you can do:

Tell them in a loving, gentle (not angry), calm, and kind way: “I don’t want you eating my food”, or “Could you ask me before you eat my food in case I am planning on eating it” or “I’m not available to fix your sink” or “I’m wondering if we can split this work up among all the people in my position”.

If people still don’t treat you the way you want to be treated then either they need to get used to you setting boundaries (people get used to things. They might think you set boundaries because you are having a bad day. They aren’t going to give up that quickly, so stick with the boundaries).

-OR-

Perhaps they are people who walk all over everyone and you have to re-evaluate if you want this person in your life.    And yes, I even mean the in-laws and the boss too.  It might be time to evaluate if your job is worth the unfair treatment from your boss.  (Click here to read my other post on how to stand up for yourself with in-laws).