How can I help my kid make better decisions?

In the 23 years I have been working with kids in a therapeutic setting, I have heard this question a lot.  What I end up helping parents with has more to do with how to teach your kids to think. Many parents think that they need to teach their kids what decisions are right and wrong based on what the parents want for them. This doesn’t usually help the kids to become happy adults, it helps the kids to live out their parents dreams so that the parents become happy elders. I would suggest teaching kids how to make the decision themselves. Even though the things you are pushing your kids to do would make you happy, it might not make them happy. The same way that you can both order different desserts because you might not be as happy with the same thing.

These are some ways to help them make those tough decisions:

When to start:

Decide when they are old enough to fully make their own decisions. Until they are 18 years old, you can always override their decision if you think they are making a horrible mistake or participating in something unsafe.
You can start this whole process at a young age so that by the time they are in high school deciding if/where they want to go to college or what career they want to pick, they have a lot of practice making decisions with your guidance. You are their “training wheels” for 18 years, and that time flies by, so start early. Even when a child is 5 years old, you can help them decide if they will wear the blue or orange jacket when it is cold and raining. (see how the decision on what is healthy/safe is removed?) Talk to them about which jacket is more comfortable, which thickness is better for the cold weather, which keeps most of their body dry, how long will they be outside (for example, if they aren’t going out long, would it be fun to be a little wet from the rain?). As they get older you can slowly make the decision about safety with them and eventually trust that they will make safe decisions on their own.

You love them:

Let them know that you love them no matter what. Let them know that no matter if the decision is what you would have chosen or not, that you want them to be happy and you love them. If they are looking at colleges across the country and you want them to stay local, they need to have the tools to weigh the pros and cons of their own decision because they might feel like your input is biased (and let’s face it, it probably is).

They might fall on their face:

You need to remember and they need to know that they might very well fall on their face and make the wrong decision and that they will be okay. One of my favorite quotes is “A master has failed more than a beginner has even tried” (Stephen McCranie). If they are too afraid of making a mistake, they are more likely to grow up anxious. This is why it is so important to teach them these skills at a young age, so they can learn to make decisions when the consequences don’t seem so dire and when society hasn’t trained them to judge themselves about every mistake they make. When a 5 year old makes a mistake, they usually aren’t as hard on themselves as when a 10 year old makes a mistake.

Most decisions are temporary:

Other than having a child, most other decisions are temporary. Even tattoo’s can be removed these days. If they go outside without a jacket, and they get sick, then they learn to wear a jacket or deal with being sick. If they decide to take a job on the opposite coast or another country and they hate it, they can come back. Will there be consequences financially? Maybe. But how will they know they don’t like it if they don’t try?

Avoid the “I told you so” dance

Your job is to support your kids in finding their way to happiness. Your job isn’t to constantly prove to them that you are right. If you struggle with this, it might be a good idea to figure out where that comes from. Do you need to be right because that’s how your parents raised you? All of us are going to be good at some parenting issues and not good at others. Take what you really liked that your parents did and implement those things. Take out what you didn’t like and choose not to do those things to your own children.

Don’t take it personally

Whether your kids make mistakes, fail at something or succeed at nearly everything, it is on them. It doesn’t make you a better/worse parent because your child got into college, became a CEO of a huge company, tried drugs, got into a bad relationship, or… (the list goes on). The more you focus on them and their happiness (and safety) when making decisions, the more secure you will feel when they are older and having to make life changing decisions.