How can I get my spouse to help me around the house?
This is a very common complaint of married people. I actually was talking to another parent at my child’s school and had this actual conversation. She said that she gets mad because her husband never cleans the kitchen and that when she comes home, it is a disaster. She said “if the entire house was a disaster and the kitchen was clean, I probably wouldn’t care”. Upon talking to her, it turns out that she parks in the parking space in the front of the house and comes in through the front door and the kitchen is the first things she sees. Her husband comes through the back door because he parks in the garage which is in the back of the house and so the first thing he sees is their living room. So, he has no perspective as to what it is like to walk in first thing and seeing a mess.
This is a situation she wants his help in, but if she blames him or attacks him, or he believes that he is being attacked, he is less likely to help her. One thing I work with clients on is “I statements” where the ultimate goal is to tell the other person your thoughts and feelings without putting them on the defensive. How do you not put the other person on the defensive? You don’t attack them with your words, your tone or your body language. Let me give you an example. If she tells her husband “If I have to come home to a messy house one more time, I’m going to walk out and not come back”, “How long have you been home to have been able to make this big of a mess for me to clean up” or (most commonly) “Am I the only one who sees this mess?” What kind of response will she get? Do you think her husband is going to jump up and say “I’m so sorry, you are right, why don’t you go in and take a bath and I will clean up”? Unless you are still in your honeymoon period of your relationship, this would never happen.
What am I supposed to do?
Talk in a way that you won’t put them on the defensive. How do you think they might respond if you say “I’m really frustrated because I feel all alone in taking care of the house”? If they say “I didn’t make the mess”, you can say “that’s not at all what I was trying to imply, I just want help. I know that you are tired too, but can we set a schedule of who does what?”. Your partner is going to be more likely to be willing to help. First, evaluate what is realistic for the house to look like with your busy schedules. Then, develop a chore list by first dividing up the chores by things you hate the least. One of you probably hates dishes a little less than the other person does. When you get to chores that both of you hate, develop a system. Hire someone to do it for you, do it together, or perhaps switch off completing that chore. Perhaps when you divide up the chores, ask them to do the things you care the least about.
What if my spouse doesn’t care about the house being clean?
Usually in relationships, there is a person who cares more about the house being clean than the other person cares. The person who cares more about the housework also usually starts to take it personally (“what, am I the maid?). You have to remember that the person who cares more about cleanliness is ultimately going to notice things and clean more often and more thoroughly. In a similar way as one of you wants to have sex more than the other one. Who gets “their way”? It should always be the one who wants sex less. Life is just like this. By default, one person is more likely to get their “way” in different aspects of your relationship. It is important to recognize what things usually go your way when you are frustrated at your partner not doing the things you want them to do. It is also important to evaluate if there are other things that your partner does that balances this out. If you do all the housework and they do all the cooking or all the outside stuff (fixing things, mowing lawn, running the kids to practices, etc), it might be a shift you need to make mentally that they do things also. Even if you are still splitting up the chores, they would probably be more responsive if you were acknowledging things that they do.
What if my spouse doesn’t clean the way they “should”?
Micromanaging how your spouse does things is the #1 way to get them to stop helping you. If they are going to be criticized if they choose to help or if they choose to do nothing, either way they will be criticized. It is easier to be criticized when you are relaxed and have been able to sit around all day.
Get some professional help
It might seem ridiculous to seek out therapy because your spouse is “lazy and won’t help out with the chores”, however in the 23 years I have been in this field, I have seen MANY people get divorced because they cannot pick up a wet towel one more time for their spouse. Usually the wet towel, the socks on the floor, or the full kitchen sink represents more than a simple, ridiculous chore. To many people, it represents how much your spouse cares about you and your relationship.