Is my wife really depressed? Written by a licensed therapist in Long Beach.

Often times when I have a client who doesn’t understand their spouse’s depression, I explain it to them using the analogy of money. If your wife is depressed think of it as her having $20. If her friend invites her somewhere that costs $19, she can go. If her friend wants to go somewhere that costs $30, she can’t afford it. Your wife knows how much energy (money) she has in her bank and how much the activity you want to do will cost. She is constantly having to evaluate whether she can make it through the day, so to add in another activity has to also be evaluated. If you go out with your friend and use your $19, you only have $1 for the rest of the day. When you see that your wife went out to her friend’s house, went to the store, and/or went to work, you might think she is having a good day and is okay to go out with you. That might be true. It might also be true that she has exhausted all her energy (all her money) and needs to come home and sleep or come home and do nothing at all.
Another misunderstanding of depression goes something like this: My husband can do what he likes to do when he is depressed, so he must not really be depressed. That isn’t necessarily true. When you do something that you like doing, it takes less effort for anyone to complete, including a depressed person. If you are depressed, you might be more likely to do it if it is something you like because it takes less energy than something that you don’t’ want to do. Think about it. If you don’t mind vacuuming, but hate doing the dishes, it will seem like agony to do those dishes, even if it takes the same amount of time to vacuum. It will therefore take you much more energy to do those dishes.
This doesn’t necessarily mean that you are stuck in the house forever. Encourage them to get into therapy to try to get to know their depression so that they work around it. They can learn ways to improve their mood and learn about times when improving their mood is going to be near impossible. If they aren’t willing to go to therapy you can go to therapy by yourself to learn how to support them and how to live your life as well.
Some depression is situational and some depression is chemical (brain chemistry). Don’t assume which depression your loved one has. Understand that NO ONE wants to be depressed and they don’t feel good keeping you home and keeping you worried either.

These are oversimplified explanations of depression. Please reach out to a therapist near you to get help and get more individualized recommendations. If you are looking for a therapist in Long Beach, please call me to set up an appointment at 562-310-9741.