How can I be happier in my marriage and stop fighting?
Written by a couples therapist in Long Beach.
I write tips all the time in my blog for relationships based on questions I have gotten from clients, from people who call in with questions, and from people I observe out in the world. Here is the answer to one of those questions: How can I be happier in my marriage?
Just because your partner takes a withdrawal from your “emotional bank” doesn’t mean you have to.
In most research about couples, it is said that for a relationship to have the best chance of being a happy and healthy, lasting relationship, there needs to be 10-15 positives for every 1 negative. Think about it: during an argument, you can have a lot of negatives (withdrawals): you say something mean, you have a negative tone, you raise your voice, you turn your back, and you stop touching their hand all in a 5 second span. That adds up to 5 negatives/withdrawals. This is obviously going to happen in any relationship. What sets apart the happy, healthy, long-lasting relationships from those that are miserable? It’s the amount of deposits (positives) compared to the number of negatives (withdrawals). Just like in finances. You can afford one big purchase (withdrawal) if you have had enough deposits, but you might not be able to afford multiple withdrawals.
How does this work:
First, if you have a ton of negatives every day in your relationship, it is virtually impossible to make up the 10 to 1 ratio. The first thing you need to do is reduce the negatives. The easiest way to do this is pile on the positives when things are good. A touch, a look, a smile, and opening the car door can all be easy positives to deposit to your relationships emotional bank. If you need more ideas, try my 30 day relationship challenge.
It’s more difficult to add in those positives/ deposits when you are in an argument or upset. If your spouse makes a withdrawal from your 10 to 1 ratio, remember that you don’t have to. You can actually be making up the negatives by listening, lowering your voice, being calm, and having positive body language (all positives/deposits).
What if you are always the one depositing (positives) and they are always withdrawing (negatives):
If you believe, then you need to evaluate if this is truly the case. I have certainly worked with couples where this is the case, but mostly I see that it is a push/pull. We tend to focus on our positives and other people’s negatives. This isn’t just YOU, this is most people. However, if this is truly the case, either you need some help in developing a better balance in your relationship, or it might be time to evaluate if this relationship is right for you. Before you make this decision, set up a session or two with a therapist. A friend might tell you what they want for you or might tell you what they think you want to hear, but a therapist is trained to help you figure out what is best for you (a therapist isn’t’ going to give you advice on whether to leave or not unless it is an abusive relationship). They might even recommend couples therapy so that you and your partner can develop different patterns that will help you develop a surplus in your emotional bank.
Trust their intent:
Unless your spouse is abusive, trust that they are trying their best. It has always fascinated me that your cat or dog can pee on your bed, wake you up in the middle of the night, and ruin your favorite sweater, yet you will think they are cute and playful and sweet. They pee on your bed because you didn’t change their liter (you determine this to be your fault), they wake you up in the middle of the night because they miss you, they ruin your favorite sweater because they were playing and so cute. We assume they have one intent in life: to make us happy and connect with us. Yet when our spouse gets us the wrong type of waffles at the store, we think that they are mad at us and getting back at us. What if you assume that your spouse has good intent and loves you and they are trying their best? It would be much easier to feed the bank with emotional deposits. I bet once they realize how much you understand they are trying the best they can, they would be more likely to feed the bank as well. Most spouses don’t try to intentionally hurt their spouse. If they get the wrong waffles on purpose to make you mad, and you are super sweet about it, I would imagine they would get over whatever they were punishing you for much quicker, and perhaps they will feel bad and feed the bank even more.
Remember a time they put up with you
If all else fails, remember the things they put up with you about. There has been in a time in your relationship (I would imagine) where you got angry and realized it wasn’t their fault and they gave you a “pass”, or they had your back when it came to your family or stood by you even when you were wrong. Think about one of those times and try to do the same for them. Relationships should overall balance to both people doing 50%/50% or 40%/60% (ish). However, in any given week/month, certainly one of you can be pulling the relationship along while the other struggles. Keeping in mind what your spouse contributes to you and your relationship can often give you patience in dealing when they are struggling.
One exception
Please note that none of these tips will help if you are in an abusive relationship and that individual therapy is highly recommended if you feel that your relationship might be abusive. If you are looking for a therapist in long beach (or surrounding area) please call me at 562-310-9741.