Should I Date Someone Who Is In The Closet? Written by a LGBTQ therapist in Long Beach.
Nearly every lesbian movie, especially those made before 2005, goes something like this: lesbian meets and becomes friends with a woman who is in a heterosexual relationship, perhaps even married, and the friendship quickly grows. The lesbian, out of respect for the existing relationship, holds back her feelings. Eventually, the other woman makes a move and soon the two women are having an affair. At that point, the other woman begins to consider whether she should leave her straight relationship for the lesbian relationship. She considers the impact this will have on her friends, family, and perhaps children, and eventually follows her heart.
Because we’re talking about movies, the stories typically will have happy ending. In the real world, falling in love is difficult. It’s even more difficult when you have to worry about how societal pressures may impact your relationship. Lesbians who have been out of the closet long enough to be comfortable with themselves and their sexuality may not want to deal with the drama of someone trying to decide whether they are gay or not. While many straight people fear that those in the LGBTQ community are just waiting to convert a straight person, this simply isn’t true. As a gay person, you need to ask yourself two important questions. First, do I want to get involved with someone who is already in a relationship? And second, am I willing to put my needs aside for someone who may not be ready or able to come out to their friends and family?
As for the question do I date someone still in the closet? There is no simple answer. Just like any other relationship, you need to look at both sides. You need to understand that you are risking heartache if the other person decides they are unwilling to take the risk of coming out to their friends and family, or the potential impact on their job. With that in mind, no relationship is guaranteed to work out. When you are dating someone who is in the closet, you already know one of the biggest reasons the relationship could fail. But if you get in a relationship with someone who is out, they may still decide you’re too young, too old, too serious, or too anything else. For that matter, you may decide they aren’t quite what you’re looking for. The point is, any relationship can fail for any reason. Only you can decide how much you’re willing to invest for the possibility of finding someone you can love and live with forever.
A session with a therapist can help you figure out the pros and cons of a potential relationship. You can also learn to establish boundaries to ensure your needs are met. You may have talked with friends already, but friends don’t want to see you hurt and may try too hard to protect you. An unbiased person such as a therapist can help you work through your decision yourself. A therapist can not only help you decide whether to stay and wait or leave, but can also help you figure out what you expect from someone you are dating.
Dating someone who is already in a relationship is a completely different situation and something you need to give serious thought before you get in too deep.