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Codependency in Lesbian Relationships

Written by a lesbian therapist in Long Beach.

When you think of co-dependence, you may have a specific picture in mind, perhaps you even think of someone you know who exhibits characteristics of codependency. In mental health circles, codependency is a specific dysfunctional relationship between two very different, yet carefully balanced personalities, one of whom is focused on pleasing another who is focused on control. Because women are particularly sensitive to neuro-chemicals associated with attachment, lesbians tend to develop very strong bonds very quickly compared to other couples. In some couples, this bond can easily develop into what is known as lesbian codependency.

A codependent person is defined as one who sacrifices to fulfill the desires of another, often having their own needs neglected in the process. A codependent person tends to find themselves attracted to narcissistic people and has trouble emotionally disconnecting.

Relationships between two codependent personalities

A relationship between two codependent people may sound like an ideal relationship, with both individuals giving 100% to making things work. The problem is, they end up spending most of their time together, or with the same circle of friends. There are a few problems that are especially common in lesbian codependent relationships.

The relationship reaches a level of comfort in which passion fades, resulting in a situation often referred to as Lesbian Bed Death.
When you share the same circle of friends, you have no one to confide in without risking them being caught in the middle, or who is completely on your side.
Because your whole life revolves around your partner, and hers around you, if you break up you essentially lose everything.

How do you avoid this? Be sure to spend some time apart (even if you don’t want to) at least a couple of times a week so you can each develop friendships and activities of your own. You’ve heard the saying, absence makes the heart grow fonder, and it’s true. Spending time apart gives you both an opportunity to miss each other, which deepens your appreciation for one another.

Relationships between codependent and non-codependent people

In lesbian relationships between a codependent personality and a personality that is not codependent, issues revolve around pursuit and distance. It is common for the codependent person to feel like her partner is ignoring or avoiding her, while the non-codependent person feels suffocated; especially when issues arise and they want to cool down before trying to talk.

How can a person who is codependent and one who is not meet in the middle? It starts with each person recognizing how the other functions. The pursuer (codependent person) needs to recognize the other person’s need to cool down before talking. In return, the person who is not codependent needs to recognize the other person’s need to talk. If this is you, you need to communicate with your partner that you need space, but that you will return. Also assure her you do love her, and that you do want to resolve matters when you come back.

Relationships between a codependent person and a narcissist

These relationships can be the most damaging, though they feel like a perfect match. The narcissist is controlling and self-centered, while the codependent person tends to be submissive, passive, and eager to please. The narcissist loves having someone do everything for them, and the codependent person is happy to do it, and even to be controlled, as long as they are receiving plenty of attention in the process.

Characteristics of Codependent People

Research suggests that lesbians who are codependent tend to be attracted to women who are either unavailable or who are emotionally needy. A codependent lesbian seeks to control the relationship, but does not directly address her own needs, while believing she is acting in her partner’s best interest. This makes it difficult for her to recognize her own controlling behavior.

How to Recognize Codependent Behavior

Do you suspect you or someone you know may be codependent? The following characteristics suggest codependency:

Inability to accept criticism
Tendency to hide true feeling or thoughts in effort to please others
Strong desire to be seen as self-reliant and competent
Feelings of helplessness
Perfectionism
Fear of failure
Poor self esteem
Feelings of shame
Feeling responsible for the feelings of others
Guilt regarding suffering of others
Guilt over feeling happy
Reluctance to accept help or attention
Downplaying or denying personal issues
Protecting someone who is addicted to substances or harmful behaviors
Sacrificing own needs and desires to maintain a failing relationship
Obsession over a relationship to a point where the partner doesn’t have to do anything
Bases own self-worth on a feeling of being valued for working so hard to care for others
Justifying sacrifice and devotion with the hope that the partner will also be totally dependent on the relationship