Codependency in Lesbian Relationships: What’s The Deal?
Info From A Gay Friendly Therapist In Long Beach
There’s a long-running joke in the LGBT community that lesbians show up for the second date with a U-Haul. It’s a funny one-liner that still packs a punch to this day. But as another old saying goes, there’s a little bit of truth in every joke. When it comes to codependency in lesbian relationships, there’s more to it than simple humor.
In short, codependency is an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner. Often, there’s an unhealthy clinginess. One partner seems incapable of finding happiness with anything or anyone outside of the relationship. For some reason, in the LGBT community, codependency seems to happen most often amongst lesbians.
Women are more susceptible to oxytocin and the neurochemicals of attachment. So two women together lock into relationship patterns much faster. Sometimes, it’s to an unhealthy degree.
It’s important to understand the signs of what this codependency looks like. There are several, so it can be difficult to immediately identify them. The relationship’s pleaser/fixer may solely base their self-worth on taking care of her girlfriend. She may obsess over everything to the point where the girlfriend doesn’t need to think about anything in their daily life.
She may sacrifice her own wants and needs to make her girlfriend happy. And in situations where the partner is an addict, she may enable them by continuously caring for them.
But the signs aren’t just in what the pleaser/fixer does for her partner. They’re also present in the way she treats herself. She may show extreme discomfort in receiving help from others or feel she doesn’t deserve happiness. She might have low self-esteem and intense sensitivity to criticism. She may even be reluctant to share her true thoughts because she cares so much about what other people think.
As difficult as it can be to notice the signs of codependency, it’s even more difficult to recover from.
For the pleaser/fixer, it’s crucial for her to think about the reasoning behind her actions. She has to notice her patterns of action when they’re happening and try to trace back to when this coping mechanism started. She’ll likely need professional therapy to create new coping mechanisms. She’ll have to learn assertiveness and a new range of communication skills to fully break her old habits.
All of the work doesn’t fall on the pleaser/fixer though. It is extremely important for their partner to be an active participant in the recovery process. The partner of the pleaser/fixer might get used to this treatment and start to like it. Who wouldn’t like their every need being taken care of. The trouble is that resentment might start to build in the relationship. In therapy, the couple has to be open and honest about their feelings and the state of their relationship. Making the decision to fix codependency doesn’t have to end a relationship. But choosing to do nothing can lead them down a dark road of resentment (by the fixer/pleaser) and/or a feeling by the partner that they are being controlled.
It’s important for the couple to enlist the help of a professional. Codependency is a serious and complex psychological issue that can’t easily be solved by people with no experience. A licensed professional can help get the couple on the right path to recovery. But just like communication, it requires active participation from both partners.
If you have questions about if you are in a codependent relationship, please call me and set up an appointment. I am a gay friendly therapist in Long Beach who is dedicated to helping our LGBTQ community. As a lesbian myself, I understand on a personal level how important it is to address these issues so relationships can reach their full potential.
