How to handle my husband’s midlife crisis?

Written by a licensed therapist in Long Beach.

There is not one of us who has the benefit of being immortal. We all know that we have a limited amount of time to live our lives, but some of us are better equipped to deal with that reality than others. There are a lot of men, usually in their late 30’s to mid-50’s, who go through what is known as a midlife crisis. They see themselves getting older and suddenly realize that their best years may be behind them. When that realization hits, they try to turn the clock back to a “better time” when they were strong and virile. That crisis very often comes at the expense of their marriage, so how do you handle a husband going through a midlife crisis?

Partners who are caught in this position often have the blame foisted onto them by their husband. He might start to complain about the perceived lack of sexual intimacy in the marriage, going as far as to blame you for his lack of interest in sex. He might claim that he is not as attracted to how you look now, or he may feel that you are to blame for every little thing that is wrong within the relationship. The thing you should do here is take ownership for the things you are somewhat responsible for, but what you should never do is defend yourself for things you cannot control.

Talking things out is important, as many of the perceived issues will likely be things that you are not even aware of. You can tell your husband that you understand his concerns, assuming of course that they are not totally ridiculous, and you can suggest solutions that might help make both of you happier in the relationship. These concessions should all be things that you are comfortable with, as you should never make changes just to appease your husband if those changes are going to make you unhappy.

Be willing to accept that he might not agree to everything, at which point you need to make a plan for yourself. You should not be expected to sit around and wait until he decides to fully commit to the relationship again, which he may never actually do. You have a life to live, too, so rather than sitting and thinking about all the things that your husband will no longer do with you, get out and do them with your friends.

While talking things out is always a good idea, it can be a situation where things quickly go off the rails without the intervention of a third party. This is why talking to a therapist is such a good idea. They do not take sides and are ready to objectively listen to both sides in an effort to come up with solutions that will help keep the marriage on track. Getting your husband to commit to such a meeting may be difficult if he is in the throes of a midlife crisis, but if he is serious about staying in the marriage, he will more than likely take up the offer of professional counselling. If he refuses, you can still go to therapy on your own to sort out your thoughts and feelings and figure out what you want to do next.

If you live in California and are looking for a couple’s therapist, please give us a call at Long Beach Therapy: 562-310-9741.