Should I take back my cheating spouse?
Written by a couples therapist in Long Beach.
When you enter into a monogamous marriage or long-term relationship, one of the unwritten rules is that you will both be faithful to one another. There are, of course, open relationships where both people have agreed that seeing other people is acceptable, but outside of those types of couplings, monogamy is often expected/assumed. It’s a contract of sorts that can become null and void the moment that one person steps out and has an emotional or a sexual relationship with another individual. Once the affair gets out in the open, a decision has to be made as to whether you take back the cheating spouse or cut them loose.
The question now is under what circumstances you should consider taking back a cheating spouse. There really is no easy answer here, as some people will end things after a single transgression, while others may be more willing to work on the relationship even after finding out that the cheating spouse was involved in an ongoing affair. That aside, there are some things that may swing your decision in the favor of giving your spouse another chance, which is what we are going to look at in this piece.
While finding out about an affair is painful, the manner in which it is revealed can actually play a part in your decision. If your spouse comes to you and admits to an affair, showing genuine sorrow at having done so, they will have shown that they are legitimately sorry for the incident and the destruction of trust may be at a different level compared to if you found out yourself. The same is true of they are willing to honestly answer any questions you may have about their relationship outside of the marriage. We all make mistakes in life, but it is how we treat those that have been impacted by said mistake that can open up a possible path to forgiveness. Ultimately, you have to trust your gut feeling as to how you want to proceed.
If you are still on the fence about taking back a cheating spouse, ask that they give you time to think things over. It is never a good idea to make a huge decision when you are in an emotional state. A good idea here is to take some time to talk about the reasons for the affair, which may in fact point to problems within your relationship. This is not to suggest that you are at fault for the cheating, as it was your spouse, not you, that made the decision to do something wrong.
The best way to get to the bottom of the reasons for the affair, as well as for the healing process to begin, is to commit to some form of marriage counselling. Meeting with a relationship therapist can help get the relationship back on track, but you should also go in knowing that it may also reveal wounds and damage that cannot be fixed by simply choosing to stay together. The decision to take back a cheating spouse is not one that should be taken lightly, which is why time and professional help are often what is required to make the decision final.
If you live in California and are looking for a couple’s therapist, please give us a call at Long Beach Therapy: 562-310-9741.