My spouse isn’t supportive of my transgender child, how can I help?

Parenting is a team effort, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to agree on everything. From whether or not to get a dog, to the right way to fold a towel, small disagreements are bound to pop up from time to time. In most cases, compromise is the best answer. But when it comes to the truly big issues, sometimes, there simply isn’t room to budge. Not when meeting in the middle still means hurting someone you love.

For a child to come out as trans to their parents, it takes a lot of thought, effort, and bravery. So, what happens if your spouse isn’t as accepting as they should be? How do you handle it without harming your child or destroying your marriage?

First, give your spouse time. Many times, the worst of a person’s response is due to shock, rather than true disgust or outrage. Let them come to terms with things; however, in that time, make sure your child knows that you have their back. Speak to them in private about how your spouse is acting. Explain that it doesn’t mean they don’t love your child, that hopefully they will come around, and that you don’t approve of it and will try and help change it. People often tell parents that they must present a united front at all times, but in cases like these, it’s important for your child to know that you do not agree with the way your spouse is talking or behaving either.

Remind your spouse that your child isn’t any different now. They may use a new pronoun, a new name, dress in different clothing, but who they really are hasn’t changed. They still think the same way and like the same things, though they might be a bit more open about it now.

People often say things like, “I lost a daughter but gained a son”, but that’s not true (see last paragraph for more). You never had a daughter; you’ve always had a son. You just didn’t know it yet. Who your child is didn’t change. They’ve only let go of their masks and allowed themselves to be who they’ve always been. While they might seem to have changed — suddenly they hate pink, or they start watching videos on how to paint nails — you need to remember that these aren’t new. They’re things that your child always thought or enjoyed; now you’ve simply been given the privilege of seeing your child as their authentic self, rather than having them keep the truth(s) a secret.

Remind your spouse of the facts. There are a lot of misconceptions surrounding being transgender; some are comical and outrageous, while others are downright damaging. Learn the truths for yourself, then sit down with your spouse and let them ask questions. If you don’t know the answers, look them up together. Find reliable sources and websites to use; just as there are many misconceptions, there are many sites and groups of people dedicated to spreading those lies.

Go to a LGBTQIA parents group such a PFLAG. You can do it together, or go alone. While it’s important to try and get your spouse to open up, so bringing them along can do a world of good, it would also be healthy to go by yourself. This way, you can learn the truths, ask for advice on dealing with your spouse and their reaction, and express any doubts or reservations you may have without your spouse taking it to mean that you don’t accept your child’s identity either.

And finally, if there doesn’t seem to be any willingness to change, accept that you may have to put your child first and cut your losses. Parental support is extremely important for a trans child. Those with supportive parents are less likely to end up homeless, to suffer from anxiety and depression, or to commit or attempt suicide, versus those whose parents do not accept them for who they are. Being around a parent who talks down to them, misgenders and deadnames them, or is openly transphobic, has real emotional and psychological consequences. A parent’s job is to put their child first, and that may mean choosing separation or divorce. Your child’s psychological and physical safety could very well depend on it. The most important thing in the world is to ensure that your child lives a happy and healthy life, that they feel safe and loved. If this means distancing yourselves from your spouse, then that’s something you will have to accept.

NOTE: I think words can really matter in this situation and so I wanted to take the extra time to explain. In this post, I wrote: People often say things like, “I lost a daughter but gained a son”, but that’s not true.  Although I stand behind this statement, when I work with parents in therapy on accepting their children for who they are, I do see that many parents often have to “grieve” the loss of the social constructs linked to a gender of their child.  Often parents have a belief that if they have a daughter, it means one thing and if they have a son, it means something else (like walking one of them down the aisle at their wedding).  These are unnecessary and hurtful social constructs that are tied to gender.  In therapy, you can get help to unlink them so that you don’t put these unfair expectations on your child.  You can walk your son down the aisle at their wedding as much as you might walk a daughter down the aisle.  Lego just made a commitment to change marketing so that their message will now be that any child can build any Lego set because it isn’t about the gender of the child, it is about the INTEREST that child has.

If you live in California and are looking for a trans-friendly therapist near you, please give us a call at Long Beach Therapy: 562-310-9741.