Are therapists supposed to talk about their own life?

I have had many clients over the years come in for their first session with me talking about how their previous therapists talked about themselves a lot.  It could be appropriate or inappropriate depending on the context.

No matter if this blog post tells you that it is okay or not, it is ultimately up to YOU as to what you are comfortable with.

Reasons therapist might self-disclose their own stories:

1. A therapist may talk about their own life as a way to build rapport so that you know that they have a personal connection to what you are talking about. Sometimes that makes a client feel more understood.
2. A therapist might share a story about themselves to normalize the situation for you so you don’t feel ashamed or alone. For example: Most people forgot some/all of their social skills during the pandemic.  So, if you are talking about that, they might say “this happened to me also, don’t feel bad” (that sort of thing).

When a therapist self-disclosing is inappropriate:

1. When they are getting into a current or unresolved issue they are having and talking about it is acting as more of a venting or processing session for them. If this is the case, they need to talk about these things in their own therapist and not with you.  It’s not to say they can’t talk about a current experience, but if that current experience they are talking about brings up feelings within them, then your therapy session is not the time to mention it.
2. You are feeling like the stories are invalidating your experience. For example, I had a colleague who was in New York during 9/11 and when he spoke to his therapist, she talked all about her experience while living in California and how New Yorkers are so tough and not really having problems because they are so tough.
3. You are feeling like the telling of the story is lingering on and it is eating up your time.

What to do if you feel like your therapist focuses on themselves too much during a therapy appointment with you:

1. Talk to them about it. Tell them something like: “I know you are probably telling me this to help me, but it makes me feel uncomfortable because I don’t understand the purpose of you telling me that story”.
2. Look for a different therapist. Therapy is about YOU and if you are uncomfortable with your therapist, it is important to speak up.   Ultimately, you need to feel comfortable.   To avoid having it happen again, when you have your first appointment with a new therapist, let them know about your experience so that they can make sure they aren’t doing this to you.

If you live in California and are looking for a therapist, please give us a call at Long Beach Therapy: 562-310-9741.  If you are looking for a therapist in Long Beach, we do have in-person appointments.