5 tips on how to connect with my teenager:

Many parents struggle with how to connect with their teenager.  While the biggest key is to connect with them when they are younger, there are also ways you can start the process now.

Tips to connect with your teen:

1. Show That You Are Interested:

When your teenager does talk to you, make sure you are giving them eye contact, don’t interrupt them, and make sure that you aren’t distracted. Many teens report that when they talk to their parents, the parent is playing on the phone or doing chores and just don’t care.

2. Be Nice:

Remember that any time your teen is talking to you, it is a chance to build a connection. Try being empathetic and be careful to not sound judgmental.  “That really sucks” and “I’m sorry to hear that you are dealing with that” can be great responses.

3. Respect Their Independence:

Remember that they are very close to being adults. Also know that you have taught them everything about how to make good decisions and how to be a good person.  It is now their time to shine.  They need to make mistakes without judgement.  If you respect their independence, you can act as a guide.  Think of it this way: You have trained them for a majority of their lives and now it is time for them to take your feedback and modeling of appropriate behavior into consideration and for them to figure out who THEY ARE outside of you.   One of my favorite quotes is “A master has failed more than a beginner has even tried”.  So let them fail, and when they do, be there to pick them up instead of telling them “I told you so” or “you should have….”.

4. Quality Time:

Most teenagers aren’t going to ask you to spend time with them and aren’t going to be thrilled when you ask them to spend time with you. When you ask them to spend time with you, plan on something THEY like (not what you like).  Many teens come into therapy saying they would spend time with their parent, but the parent always wants the teen to do what the parent likes.  I had one teen that said “as long as I want to fix the car with my dad, I can spend as much time as I want with him, but he won’t ever play a video game with me”.  If your teen is hoping to get their drivers license, ask them to go driving with you. If your teen likes movies, ask them to watch something that is streaming (they might not want to be seen in public with mommy or daddy because that may effect their social status at school).

5. Keep Questions Open-Ended:

If you ask them a question that can be answered with a yes/no, then they will most likely answer it with a yes or no. Instead of asking “did you have a good day at school” (yes/no), or “how was your day at school” (it was fine), ask: “what was something you learned today” or (if they have been complaining about a teacher) “what did your English teacher do that was annoying today”.

If all else fails:

Schedule an appointment for yourself with a therapist so that a therapist can guide you in terms of how to connect with your personal situation with your teen.  At Long Beach Therapy, we have in person therapy for people close to Long Beach and also offer online therapy to anyone in California.