Responsible Uncoupling – 10 tips on how to coparent and get along after a divorce.
Figuring out how to co-parent after a divorce can be difficult, but with the right strategies, it’s possible to create a stable and supportive environment for your children through and after divorce.
Here are ten tips from a mental health therapist to help you co-parent more effectively and maintain a healthy relationship with your ex-partner for the sake of your kids:
Set Clear Boundaries:
Establish clear boundaries with your ex regarding parenting roles and responsibilities. If you have trouble establishing rules/boundaries, consider setting up a few therapy sessions at Long Beach Therapy (or somewhere else) to work on establishing these boundaries.
There is a book called “Mom’s House, Dad’s House”, by Isolina Ricci that has some helpful tips as well.
Communicate Effectively:
Try to be open, honest, and respectful while also being KIND (don’t forget to be kind, even if your ex isn’t kind). Use neutral language, stick to the facts, and avoid letting emotions get in the way of discussions. Using email can help keep communication stay straightforward and documented so that if you have a misunderstanding in the future, you can pull up old emails to clarify.
Avoid Badmouthing:
No matter what the situation, do not badmouth your kids other parent. You can certainly validate their feelings about situations, but do not badmouth them. Even if your ex is badmouthing you, don’t use that as an excuse to do it in return. 90% of the time, I have found that the badmouthing parent is loved and adored by the kids at first and once the kids figure out what is happening, it backfires. Sometimes the kids don’t figure this out until they are adults, but they do figure this out and they will have feelings about it.
Keep Consistent Rules Across Households:
Try your best to maintain consistency in rules and schedules so that the kids know what to expect. Even if you do this for 6-12 months after the separation, this stability can be very reassuring for children and helps them know what to expect from each parent.
Focus on the Children’s Needs:
Always prioritize your children’s needs over your own feelings and/or resentments towards your ex. If you need help with this, consider setting up an appointment with a therapist so that you can figure out solutions.
Plan Transitions and Handovers Carefully:
Transitions are often tough on kids. Having to say goodbye to a parent is very hard, so try to make handovers calm and routine. If your relationship with your ex isn’t good, think about having public or neutral places for exchanges to avoid confrontational situations.
Attend Important Events as a Team:
If you are able to sit together with your ex, do that. If you need to sit apart, do that. No matter what it looks like, if you are able to be cordial with each other, it is always special for kids when both parents can attend their events.
Engage in Conflict Resolution:
When tension is high, think about getting into therapy individually or for professional assistance in uncoupling. At Long Beach Therapy, we offer these services to help families thrive at every point in the process.
Celebrate the Successes:
Recognize and acknowledge things that your ex is doing for the kids. Remember that YOU may have separated, but your kids haven’t. This person is going to be in your kids lives forever on some level, whether you like it or not. It is better for the kids if you get used to that sooner rather than later.
Timing:
If possible, don’t tell your kids about your divorce around a holiday or birthday. Wait until a month after the events to tell them. Seasonal depression is where you associate a depressive time in your life with a particular time of the year and often have depression annually at that time. It is always hard when seasonal depression hits someone during their birthday or a big holiday.
If you want support in uncoupling, please text/call us at 562-310-9741 or set up your first appointment at Long Beach Therapy at this link.