Miscommunication is one of the biggest issues that cause couples to argue in their relationships. Couples unknowingly feed into issues that make the arguing worse. Here are 5 common habits that contribute to misunderstandings and tips to correct them so you can stop arguing in your relationship:
1. Making Assumptions
I cannot tell you how many times I see couples in therapy and there is arguing in their relationship over a simple misunderstanding. As an outside viewer, a therapist can usually point these out pretty quickly to help the couple.
TIP: Tell your partner in a calm voice what you heard them say and what you think it meant and ask “did I get that right”. Be aware of TONE and BODY LANGUAGE because if you are asking nicely, but your tone or body language is closed/harsh, then you most likely won’t get a good response.
2. Not Actively Listening
Hearing words but not truly listening. This happen a lot when you are trying to multitask or when your partner is talking to you when you would prefer to be doing something else (like watching TV or scrolling on your phone).
TIP: When your partner is talking to you, put everything down and give yoru partner eye contact. If you are in the middle of something, politely ask: Can you give me 5 minutes because I really want to hear what you have to say. If you just say “give me 5 minutes”, your partner might not respond well because they feel like you are putting them off. But saying “because I want to focus on what you are saying” or “because I want to hear what you have to say”, it makes them feel like you care.
3. Using Vague or Indirect Language
Saying things like “You never help” instead of specifying what you need. When you use vague language, it will usually lead to your partner being defensive and often end with an arguing in your relationship.
TIP: Don’t use absolutes: “always” and/or “never” and usually not true.
TIP: Be specific: Don’t say “clean the house more”. Instead say “I would appreciate it if you cleaned the dishes immediately after dinner” or “Can you please clean the toilet, the bathroom sink, and the hand drying towel because we have people coming over and I want it to look nice.
4. Bringing Up the Past
When you bring old conflicts into a new argument, it can cloud the current issue and make communication feel unsafe.
TIP: If your partner is frustrated that you are running late, don’t say “well you are always late”. You can bring up the hypocrisy at a later point when you are both relaxed and calm. In the moment, stick to the topic at hand. Keep your conversation focused on the current issue. If you want to bring up other issues later, that is okay.
5. Interrupting or Talking Over Each Other
Cutting off your partner before they finish can make them feel unheard and lead to frustration. Most people only listen to 10 seconds of what the other person is saying before they start formulating in their head their response. In doing this, they aren’t listening because they are formulating a response.
TIP: Let your partner finish what they are saying. When you think they are done, count to 3 in your head to make sure they are really finished. Then instead of having an immediate rebuttal, try to respond to what they said. You can give your reasoning AFTER your partner feels likes you heard them. For example: “I’m hearing that you are really frustrated because you wanted the house clean when you got home and it wasn’t clean. I am really sorry and I am going to start cleaning now”.