As a couples therapist, I get this question a lot: “How to have more sex in my relationship?” There are many reasons that people stop having sex in their intimate relationships. It may have to do with getting out of the habit (too tired all the time), miscommunication, or being busy. Here are the top 5 ways to improve the frequency of sex in your relationship:
1. Prioritize Emotional Connection
Sexual intimacy thrives when emotional closeness is strong. So spending quality time together, engaging in deep conversations, and practicing active listening can strengthen your emotional bond. You may need to schedule time to do this, but it is important. Schedule a date night once per week (or once per month) because building a connection can help improve your intimacy and ultimately improve your sex life.
TIP: When you go out on a date with your partner, DON’T talk about work or kids. Focus on the activity you are doing and on connection points you have.
Examples: Talk about your thoughts on the TV show you are watching together, talk about something funny you witnessed/read, talk about a trip you would love to take together at some point, talk about the things you love about your partner.
2. Communicate Openly About Needs and Desires
Many couples avoid discussing their sexual needs due to embarrassment or fear of rejection. Create a safe space for honest conversations about desires, fantasies, and boundaries to build intimacy and trust. It might be more comfortable to do this in a therapy office with a therapist who can prompt these sorts of conversations. But try it on your own and see if your partner is open to it.
TIP: Don’t have the conversation when you or your partner are tired. Don’t bring it up at the moment you want to have sex. Preface your conversation with “don’t make fun of me, but…” or “this topic makes me embarrassed, but…”.
3. Reduce Stress and Increase Relaxation
High stress levels and exhaustion can lower libido. Try to incorporate things like a couples’ massages, mindfulness exercises (that you do together or separately), or unwinding together in a non-sexual way to set the mood for intimacy.
TIP: When watching TV, don’t sit across the room from each other. Sit next to each other and hold hands or cuddle.
4. Schedule Intimacy Without It Feeling Like a Chore
Spontaneity is great, but busy schedules often get in the way. Planning dates, scheduling sex or dedicating time for physical closeness can build anticipation and increase desire while still keeping things exciting. Nobody wants to have to schedule intimacy, but in today’s world with a thousand distractions, it is often a necessity. If you look around at couples who have a healthy sex life, they are most likely scheduling intimacy.
TIP: Make sure that if you have to reschedule sex due to being sick, tired, or having other plans, ALWAYS reschedule it in the same week. People often put it off so much that they forget about it. If you have other plans that you have to attend, don’t just skip sex.
5. Wash the dishes
This may be a weird thing to see on “how to improve sex in my relationship” advice, but I cannot tell you how many women will say in couples therapy that a clean house is a turn on. Feeling like you are part of a team who cares about each other makes a huge difference.
TIP: Before asking if your partner is “in the mood”, be aware of things they get annoyed with and try to step up your game in that area. That could be that you cook dinner, you put the kids to bed, you wash the dishes, or do the grocery shopping that day.