How to decrease codependency in lesbian relationships

Cultivate Individual Interests:

Lesbian couples tend to like doing everything together and while that is amazing and fun, it can also be a problem if each person doesn’t have their own lives.  When you do everything together, you don’t have a chance to grow as an individual and you tend to run out of things to talk about with your wife because there is nothing really to share because she was there to witness everything herself.   This leads to a lack of a connection, even if you are spending a lot time together.

For example, if your wife/girlfriend doesn’t REALLY like to go on hikes with you, find someone else who can go with you.   Remember that saying, “absence makes the heart grow fonder?”  I’m not saying to never hang out together, but make sure you have your own lives so that you don’t end up with lesbian bed death.

Maintain Personal Boundaries:

Being able to define and respect each other’s personal boundaries within your relationship ensures that each of you have the space to grow individually.  For example, if you are working from home, find separate places to work from (if possible) within the house, so that you aren’t in each other’s space as much.

Develop Effective Communication Skills:

Having open and honest communication with your partner helps address issues as they arise and often prevents the build-up of resentment.  Lesbian couples are often afraid of hurting each other’s feelings, so instead, they keep it in.  If you need help communicating with your partner in a gentle, but direct way, seek out a therapist who specializes in lesbian relationships.

Seek Therapy Individually and Together:

If you don’t feel like you can talk to your wife for fear of hurting her feelings or getting a bad response, consider going to a therapist who specializes in communication within lesbian relationships so that they can help you find the words to communicate.  Long Beach Therapy does specialize in communication with lesbian couples.

Practice Self-Care:

Prioritize self-care activities such as exercise, meditation, or hobbies so that you can each stay grounded and emotionally healthy.  When there is a high level of lesbian codependency, they often won’t do the things THEY like because they don’t think their partner will want to do it with them.  Find time to do it WITHOUT your partner so that you can come back to the relationship energized and be able to share with them your experience you had.

Build a Support Network:

Developing a strong support network of friends and family can provide additional emotional support outside of your relationship. If you are visiting your friend, think about inviting your girlfriend/wife sometimes, and then sometimes make plans with just you and your friend.  I can tell you that no matter how amazing your wife is, the dynamics are different when they are around.

Set Personal Goals:

Encouraging each other to set and pursue personal goals so that you can feel a sense of accomplishment and bring it into your relationship.  Lesbian bed death isn’t usually as big of an issue for lesbians who feel energized, accomplished and who aren’t dealing with codependency issues.

Foster Emotional Independence:

Work on your own emotional regulation and self-soothing techniques so that each of you can manage your emotions independently, reducing the need for constant reassurance.  It is difficult to want to be intimate with someone who is usually needy.   If you need help with this, find a therapist who specializes in lesbian communication and lesbian codependency.

Create a Balance of Togetherness and Autonomy:

Strive for a healthy balance between spending quality time together and allowing for individual space so that you both feel connected and free.  Then, at the end of the day, come together and talk about your day.  This will bring much more excitement than trying to talk about shared experiences over and over.

Schedule a Date Night:

Generally, in our society, men tend to make more money than women.  So, when you have two women in a relationship, they tend to make less money than their straight/gay counterparts.  Because of this, lesbians tend to stay home more than other couples because they tend to have less money to spend (which is also part of the reason lesbian bars are dying off).

It is healthy to go out on a date once per week (if possible). It doesn’t have to cost money.  Go take a walk on the beach, have a picnic in the park, find museums that have free days to attend, or find something else within your budget.

I recommend to my lesbian couples for each of them to alternate planning dates.  Plan something that you think YOUR PARTNER will like and make sure it is a date.  On a date, you don’t talk about negative things (like your kids who are having school issues) and just focus on connecting with each other and having a shared experience.  Keep in mind the things you used to do when you were first dating and do THOSE things (e.g. open the car door, bring flowers, etc.).

Consider Therapy:

I have couples in my private practice who come in once every 4-6 weeks just to make sure they are communicating well together, resolving any issues before they happen, and having a check-in on how the other person is doing.  They will often go out for a date after therapy and spend more quality time together.

If you are in a lesbian relationship and looking for a lesbian therapist, call/text us at Long Beach Therapy to set up a call so you can determine if we are the best LGBTQAI therapist near you (and for you).