How to increase intimacy and sex in your relationship:
Intimacy is often seen as a cornerstone of romantic relationships. So when your partner consistently shows little or no interest in sex, it can trigger a mix of confusion, rejection, self-doubt, and frustration. You may wonder: Is it me? Is our relationship in trouble? Is something wrong with them?
If you’re in this situation, know that you’re not alone — and you’re not powerless. Let’s unpack what could be happening and what you can do about it in a respectful, emotionally intelligent way.
1. Start With Compassion, Not Criticism
When sex becomes a source of tension, it’s easy to let resentment build or to express your hurt in ways that come across as blame. But opening a conversation with accusations (“You never want me anymore”) usually leads to a partner shutting down or becoming defensive.
Instead, try framing your concern around your feelings and needs. For example:
“I’ve been feeling disconnected lately and I really miss the intimacy we used to share. Can we talk about what’s been going on?”
This approach creates emotional safety and invites your partner into the conversation rather than putting them on trial.
2. Consider Underlying Causes
Low sexual desire can stem from a wide range of causes — many of which have nothing to do with you. These include:
- Stress or burnout: Chronic work pressure, parenting demands, or financial strain can kill libido.
- Mental health: Depression and anxiety are major contributors to low desire.
- Physical health: Hormonal imbalances, chronic illness, or medications can affect sex drive.
- Relationship dynamics: Unresolved conflict, trust issues, or feeling emotionally distant can make intimacy feel unsafe or unwanted.
- Trauma history: A history of sexual trauma or body shame can deeply impact someone’s ability to feel safe in their sexuality.
Gently exploring what might be underneath their lack of desire can lead to greater understanding — and sometimes, solutions. If your partner is not open to talking about it, consider going to individual therapy to learn ways to help them feel comfortable enough to talk to you.
3. Examine the Emotional Climate of Your Relationship
Many people assume sex is purely physical, but for most long-term partners, emotional connection is a major driver of desire. Ask yourself:
- Do we feel emotionally close and safe on a daily basis?
- Is there affection, humor, and appreciation between us?
- Do we communicate openly and kindly, or do we avoid hard topics?
Sometimes, rebuilding emotional intimacy paves the way for physical closeness to return.
4. Get Curious Together, Not Just Goal-Oriented
Instead of jumping straight to “How can we fix the sex?”, consider asking: What does intimacy mean to you? or How do you feel most connected to me? You might find that your partner still wants closeness — just not in the form you expect.
Touch, cuddling, shared experiences, emotional check-ins, or sensual (non-sexual) time together can all serve as bridges to greater intimacy. Start with what feels accessible and pressure-free.
5. Seek Professional Help When Needed
Sometimes, the issues are deeper than what a couple can work through alone. A couple’s therapist — especially one who understands sexuality — can help both partners feel heard and uncover the blocks to sexual connection. It is never too early to start therapy. As a therapist, I view therapy as an investment in our future — an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, especially in relationships.
Even if your partner isn’t ready to go to therapy, you can still benefit from individual support. A therapist can help you work through feelings of rejection, build healthy communication strategies, and understand what your own needs are in the relationship. Many individuals who go to therapy to work on their relationship report that their own individual work inspired their partner to go with them to couples therapy.
6. Decide What’s Sustainable for You
It’s okay to want sex. It’s also okay for your partner to want less (or none). But it’s important to get honest about whether your needs can be met long-term in the current dynamic. Some couples renegotiate what intimacy looks like; others discover that deeper mismatches exist.
Now what?
This is not about blaming anyone — it’s about being honest with yourself and each other.
Sexual desire ebbs and flows in any long-term relationship. But if it feels like it’s disappeared altogether, the most powerful thing you can do is approach the issue with curiosity, care, and openness. Healing is possible — but it starts with listening, not fixing.
If you are interested in starting therapy to rekindle intimacy, call/text us at Long Beach Therapy at 562-310-9741.