Are We Ready To Have Kids? Tips From A Couples Therapist In Long Beach
Adding a child to your family is a huge commitment, one that you and your partner should discuss in depth before making the decision. Here are some things you and your partner should discuss before making the decision.
Timing
If you wait for everything to be perfect, you’ll never have a child. At the same time, however, there are times when it may be better to wait. If you or your partner are dealing with ill health, it may be difficult to care for a child. Likewise, if you are financially strapped, a child may require additional sacrifices.
Responsibilities
Are you going to both keep your jobs and split the diaper changing and feedings, or will one of you take time off and handle the bulk of child care? Who is going to care for your child if you’re both working, need a date night, or otherwise need backup? Don’t assume you are on the same page. Get this figured out before you have kids. It is much easier to negotiate responsibilities before being in the situation because the stakes are much lower when you aren’t in the situation yet.
Religion
If you both have similar religious beliefs, this question may be easy. But if you have different beliefs, or one of you is religious and the other isn’t, this becomes more complicated. Talk about where you want to spend holidays, what your traditions are, why those traditions are important to you, and what compromises you are willing to make.
The Dirty Business
Do you envision breastfeeding, cloth diapering, and co-sleeping, while your partner’s idea of child-rearing involves bottles, disposable diapers, and baby in its own room? If so, you need to have some serious conversations about what is important to you and why. I have found that talking about an issue before it’s an issue often results in there not being an issue.
Discipline
Children are going to misbehave. How do you expect to handle it? Will you spank your children, use time-outs, or both? If so, under what circumstances? What other disciplinary methods do you plan to use? Is it okay for other people (family, friends) to spank your children? Many people believe spanking is harmful, while others believe it can be an effective way to manage behavior. It is important that you know where your partner stands. Disagreement on this issue can lead to you undermining each other’s efforts and can cause problems in your relationships with each other and your children.
Therapy
Therapy can be a great avenue to talk about these issues. A therapist will often have a list of questions you can go over. While you go over the list, you can learn about each other’s preferences, communication style and learn ways for you to communicate together. They say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. A few therapy sessions can often be enough time to learn how much negotiation there will need to be, or if you both have very similar visions of being parents. I have two children. Even though I went through a therapy program, I would have never guessed about some of the things that a parent has to figure out and decide upon. Knowing these things ahead of time is like getting the answers to the test before you take the test.