Things For Gay and Lesbian Couples To Discuss Before Deciding To Have Kids

For any couple, the decision to have children is a big one that completely changes the dynamic and focus of a relationship.  But for LGBTQI couples, there are additional challenges that our heterosexual counterparts don’t face.  If you and your partner have baby fever, it’s important to discuss the logistics before taking the plunge.

Adopt or Surrogate?

For gay men, it’s important to discuss how you’ll be bringing a child into the world.  You’ll have to enlist the services of others, and it’s crucial that you reach an agreement on who you reach out to.  One option is surrogacy.  If you choose this route, you need to ensure it’s legal in your place of residence, and you need to figure out the costs.  Surrogacy can cost up to $100,000.  It’s a hefty investment in your life together that needs to be discussed.  Adoption also has associated costs plus the emotional tug of war as you wait to receive a match.  Costs, the desire to extend a bloodline, and how quickly you want to start a family are all factors to consider.

Who Will Carry Your Child?

For lesbian couples, both are able to get pregnant.  Before you start the process, you have to discuss who’s going to carry the baby.  You also have to discuss who the sperm donor will be.  Will you rely on a bank or is there a loved one who’s willing to help out?  Do you want to use a donor that will remain anonymous or do you want him to be a part of the baby’s life?  The future has to be discussed just as much as the present.

Is Your Community Supportive?

Do you live in an accepting community? It’s important that you evaluate if you’re surrounded with support (or at least tolerance) and live in a place where you can feel comfortable starting a family.  The more comfortable you feel, the more your LGBT family will thrive.

All The Normal Parenting Concerns

As a couple, you also need to think about the typical concerns. What’s your plan to care for the child once he or she is born? Who will stay home and take time off from work? You need to look into your benefits.  Does one of you or both of you work for an employer that allows parental leave for same-sex couples? What does your insurance cover?  How will you handle child care when the parental leave is over?  These are all things to consider.  While it’s complicated to work through the mechanics of the birth, passing that stage doesn’t remove the normal anxieties about caring for your child once he or she has arrived.

Children are an exciting step for any family.  For LGBT families who want children, they can be even further validation that our community is worthy of love and acceptance.  Though we’re faced with some unique challenges in starting our families, parenthood is a rewarding experience regardless.  The early stages might be complex, but it’s worth every complication.

If you are looking for a LGBTQI friendly therapist in Long Beach,  please call to set up an appointment.  Please remember that if you are not in driving distance from my office, that I do provide Skype and facetime sessions.  It is sometimes difficult to find a gay friendly therapist, so I try to accommodate my clients by providing tele-therapy (meaning skype, facetime, etc).