How do I deal with my in-laws during the holidays?
Dealing with In-Laws Over the Holidays
A big part of the fun and excitement of the holiday season is getting to spend some time with your family. That is, of course, assuming that everyone gets along, which is not something that you can always guarantee when the in-laws are involved. Stand-up comedians have made a career out of talking about difficulties with the extended family, but the reason the jokes resonate with so many people is because it is actually a common issue. Holidays should be a fun time, but they can be stressful if you are at odds with your in-laws. Here are a few ways to deal with what can be an awkward situation.
The first thing that you need to understand is that the behavior of your in-laws is not always about a personal dislike of you. This is especially true if you have a good relationship with them on a one on one basis. Oftentimes, their poor behavior will rear its ugly head when a larger family gathering takes place. When that is the case, what it’s usually all about for them is asserting control. Some people need to show that they are in charge, their immediate family is better than everyone else’s, or that they can do things better. These things can lead to them acting out in family gatherings and lead you into dreading the holidays.
Communicate with your partner
Make sure your partner is on board with whatever stance you want to take. If they continually tell you to “suck it up” and they don’t stand up for you at the family gatherings, it is always your choice to not attend.
At the end of the day, the most important thing that you can do when the in-laws visit over the holiday period is to maintain a united front with your spouse. It is important that he or she does not get dragged into taking sides, which means they also have to be on board with making sure that the conversation doesn’t get to the point of drifting towards off-limit subjects. A little bit of teamwork can help things run smoothly, and might even see everyone heading home talking about what a wonderful time they had together.
Remember why you go to these things
Usually when people are dating, being introduced to family means that the relationship has gotten pretty serious. You are so excited that your partner has taken that step. Then… it happens. You get to know the family and you are scared, frustrated, angry, embarrassed, and/or insulted. Often times it is a reaction to something you experience that they do differently than you are used to. You have to keep in mind that you are going to these events for your partner. Your partner probably ultimately does agree more with your style and personality than they do with their family, because they CHOSE you, they didn’t get to chose their family. So if after reading this blog post you still can’t stomach the holidays, please call a therapist to work through some of these issues so that your in-laws don’t end up being a major cause of tension in your relationship.
Avoid “hot topics”
If the friction caused during the holiday gatherings is down to personal differences of opinion more than anything else, then do all you can to steer clear of the hot button topics while the in-laws are in town. They may try to goad you by making snide remarks or outright challenging your opinion, but those can all be brushed aside by you simply stating that you don’t want to talk about those things when everyone is trying to have fun. If you don’t take the bait, there is a better than average chance that they will stop casting the line. Ultimately, no one can force you to talk about an issue if you don’t want to.
Run and hide
This isn’t the healthiest approach in the world, but it’s better than getting into conflict that you will hear about for years (not only from the in-laws, but perhaps your partner). If you get cornered or simply feel the tension rising, go to the bathroom (who can say no to you using the bathroom), take a walk, ask your partner to take a walk with you, or figure out a helpful errand that needs to be run right away. Who would fault you for coming back with more chips for the dip and saying “Aunt Martha’s dip was so good, I didn’t want it to go to waste because we ran out of chips”.
Be “defiant”
If all else fails, imagine how your behavior is going to cost you in your relationship. DON’T LET YOUR IN-LAWS WIN. Even though these conflicts aren’t typically meant to be a personal attack against you, it sure feels that way. Refuse to let them mess up your relationship. Imagine what your evening at home will be like if your partner is super proud of you. They might be more up for sex, for appreciating you, or for taking care of you a little bit as a thank you. Now imagine if you let your in-laws get the best of you. You are more likely to come home and get a lecture, a new bed on the couch, and a lot of frustration.
Debrief
After the event is over and you have relaxed, debrief with your partner. Whether it takes you an hour or a week to recover from the family gathering, TALK to your partner. Tell them your experience, ask them about their experience, ask them about their observations, and/or ask them for tips of how to survive the next family gathering.
Check in with a therapist
If you are finding that you are hiding more than you are socializing, it might be time to talk to a professional. They can give you ideas of how to engage with your in-laws and how to lower your own frustrations with them. You can go see an individual therapist or a couple’s therapist (even if it is all by yourself). Imagine how it might help your relationship if at the next family gathering, you hold it together and your partner gets to enjoy you and their family, at the same time.