10 Ways To Spice Up Your Relationship And Avoid Lesbian Bed Death. Tips From A Lesbian Therapist In Long Beach

Many people in the LGBTQI community think lesbian bed death is a myth.  Back in 1983, University of Washington sociologist Pepper Schwartz introduced the term into the lexicon via her book American Couples.  The term implies that lesbians suffer the most from waning sexual desire the longer they’re together.  The more years they add to their longevity, the less sex they have.  And it’s less sex than any other type of couple.  Perhaps there’s no true way to know who’s having more sex.  But less frequent sexual activity is a common problem in all long-term relationships.  In order to avoid the sexual doldrums, it takes effort to keep things interesting.

How To Spice Up Lesbian Sex?.. Give Up Sex

It sounds odd, right? In your quest to reignite your sexual appetite, you abstain.  Think of it as reverse psychology.  If something is always available to you, you’ll stop desiring it.  You’ll crave something different.  If you skip sex for 30 days, you’ll want it back in your life stat.  And this doesn’t mean simply not having sex.  Don’t talk about it.  Don’t masturbate.  You both need to reset your sexual barometer.  Starting over with a clean slate is the way to go. (This step MUST be paired with the next tip).

Reinvest In Your Relationship

Instead of sexual intimacy, focus on emotional intimacy.  During dinner, keep the cell phones and all other digital devices off the table.  Ask each other for a 5 minute connection time where you cuddle or kiss.  Turn off the TV.  Spend 30 minutes talking to each other.  To take it one step further, start going on a Date Night.  This will be dedicated time for the two of you to deepen your connection.

Treat Each Other Kindly

If you really appreciate that dinner was ready when you got home from work, say so.  Make it a point to compliment your partner when they do something great.  For at least a month, try to avoid criticizing them.  Instead, keep the conversations positive.  You’ll be amazed at what positive thinking can do for your libido.  Try my 30-day relationship challenge for more ideas on connecting.

Get Busy…But Not In The Bedroom

It’s time for you to get involved in some extracurricular activities.  The daily conversation about work can be routine and boring.  Join a new type of activity that you’re excited to share with your partner.  It’ll shift your chats to interesting new territory and keep things fresh.

Clean up

I was just talking to a female friend who is also a therapist.  We joked about how seeing your partner vacuum or doing the dishes is “porn for women”.  Men have the ability to turn everything off and just think with their “other” head.  Women often need to have everything in order and feel emotionally supported to be in the mood for sex.  If you ask your partner if she is in the mood for sex, it is much more likely that she will say YES if the house is clean.

Clean up, part two 

When you are wanting to have sex, take a shower and brush your teeth before.  Oftentimes, partners don’t want to hurt their partners feelings by telling them that they smell.  Just in case that is the issue, take a shower before initiating sex, or BETTER YET, invite your girlfriend/wife to take a shower with you.

Work On You

The better you feel about yourself, the sexier you feel.  If you are medically okay to do so, hit the weights, the treadmill, or even take a walk.  Not only does it pack in physical health benefits, but the hormones released during your workout make you feel great.  When you break a good sweat, your sex drive increases.  A few workouts a week and you’ll be raring to go.  If exercise isn’t your thing, try doing art (or taking an art class), learning to meditate, take a dance class or try something that you have always wanted to do.

Try Intimacy Without Sex

Spend a few minutes each day engaging in touch with your partner that’s non-sexual.  Keep your clothes on and keep it rated G.  This is about rediscovering each other without the pressure of sex.

When you’re working to reignite your sex life with your partner, sex is the last thing you should be focused on because it’s about a connection with your partner.  That connection will be the key to increasing your sex life.

Talk about what you like during sex

There was a movie called “Chasing Amy” that had a scene where a bisexual woman was telling men about how to have sex.  She described it as being similar to using aircraft marshalling wands (they look like Star Wars light sabers)  to bring in an airplane.  You have to signal if you want it up or down, slower or faster,  inside or outside or a combination of everything.  The Golden Rule doesn’t work for sex.  If you do to your partner what you l like being done to you, they may not like it.  Just like you wouldn’t give your wife or girlfriend a birthday gift that YOU have always wanted; You need to give them what THEY would want.

Try Therapy

Make an appointment with a couple’s therapist.  Sometimes couples struggle with communication which leads to decreased interest in sex.  Sometimes they are so overwhelmed in other parts of their life that they can’t figure out where to start to work on increasing their intimacy.   A couple’s therapist is trained in these skills and can give you techniques to improve communication and ideas on increasing intimacy.

If you are looking for a gay / lesbian therapist in Long Beach, please call to set up an appointment.  Please remember that if you are not in driving distance from my office, that I do provide skype and facetime sessions.  It is sometimes difficult to find a gay friendly therapist, so we try to accommodate our clients by providing tele-therapy (meaning Zoom, facetime, etc).

To make an appointment at Long Beach Therapy, call or text us at: 562-310-9741.