Posted in Communication, Increasing Intimacy, Relationship Issues 13909 0 3

Why do I have to ask my partners permission all the time

Before you continue reading, it is very important for you to know that if you are afraid to talk to your partner because they yell at you, humiliate you, purposely embarrass you, make you feel stupid, or otherwise hurt you (emotionally or physically), I would highly recommend that you disregard the rest of this blog post and set up an appointment with a therapist (562-310-9741) or call a domestic violence hotline (800-799-7233) to get support and determine if you might be in an abusive relationship.

Importance of asking permission from your partner

The problem with the question asked in the title of this blog post is “have to”. A partner is supposed to, overall, bring happiness to your life and want good things for you. If you think about the honeymoon period in your relationship, you probably couldn’t wait to tell them about important things. If this has changed, it is a red-flag that should be taken seriously in your relationship. Usually when people stop wanting to tell each other things and consult about things as a couple, it means their relationship is strained in some way. This doesn’t mean it is doomed, it just means that perhaps it needs some TLC. As a therapist, I love it when couples come in and tell me “our sex life is pretty good, we are overall happy, we just have been getting annoyed at each other recently and just need a little tweak/adjustment to get back on track”. This type of therapy can actually be fun for couples. It’s like when you go work out (even if you only go once in a blue moon), you feel good, you want to post your gym selfie on social media, and you leave feeling solid because you have done something good for yourself. If you see therapy as doing something good for you as a couple instead of “ugh, we have to go to therapy because my partner doesn’t talk to me”, it tends to feel a little better. That being said, if you are at the point where you think those types of thoughts, I would recommend getting into therapy to work on it. 50% of married people end up in divorce. In my experience, much of it happens because couples let their relationship slide down on their priority list for too long.

picture of a couple who have been happily married a long time who sitting in the living room cuddling with smiles on their faces.

Asking Permission vs. Providing information

Asking permission vs. providing your spouse with information as a courtesy: When you are married for a long time, it sometimes feels as though you have to ask your spouse for permission to do things. For example, you might be at a restaurant and say “I’m going to the bathroom”. You aren’t asking permission, you are letting your spouse know where you are going. This is just an example and not every couples does this or has to do this, however it’s another way to connect. For example, imagine after you leave for the bathroom (and you are gone a long time because there is a long line) and your friends ask your partner “where did they go” and your partner has no idea. What message does that send to the table (you aren’t close?) and how might that feel to your partner.

A picture of friends who are all in their late 30's at a dinner table. There is an empty seat. Next to the empty seat is a woman sitting and shrugging her shoulders looking confused because she doesn't know where he spouse went.

Different decisions require different input from your spouse. If you are looking to go to the bathroom, of course you don’t need to ask, however there are certain things that would be courteous to talk over with them. If you are doing something that will affect your spouse, it is important to talk to them before you do it. For example, if you get offered a promotion at work that will require you to work different hours. If you want to take the job, ultimately, you will probably take the job. However, your spouse might have insight that you didn’t think about that may or may not affect your decision. They know you better than most people know you and they can therefore give you feedback most people can’t give you (they are the ones that hear you complain about certain aspects of your job and if your new position would increase these tasks at work, your partner might be able to point them out whereas you might be caught up in the pride of being promoted and not realize). Check out the New York Times article: Rising to Your Level of Misery at Work (Arthur C Brooks, Sept 5, 2015). It gives some insight about exactly what I am talking about that your partner might notice.

A couple sitting on the couch making eye contact with a soft and engaging gaze towards each other. Couple is at home in their living room with artwork behind them and a plant in front of them and in back of them. On the coffee table in front of them, there are two cups of tea, a plant, a book about communication tips and 2 pens.
Another reason to consult with your partner is that they shouldn’t ever hear about a medium to big decision from a third party (or hearing it from you after the fact). They should hear it from you, before you make the decision and especially before the decision is known to anyone else. By third party, I mean they shouldn’t get a call/text saying “congrats on your spouse’s promotion”. How might you feel if your spouse told everyone in the world about something important to them, and they told you last. Now you might not have actually told everyone in the entire world HOWEVER, they will most likely feel like that.

What if my spouse is negative and/or not supportive?

I get this question a lot. Being afraid of their reaction is a problem. One of the common complaints of most people I see in couples’ therapy is that they don’t communicate well with their partner. I would tell you that it if you don’t talk to your partner because of their reactions (or your feelings about their reactions), then it is either time for individual therapy (for you) or couples’ therapy (for the both of you). During individual therapy you could address your own feelings about their reactions. Perhaps you can learn to stand up for yourself more, OR perhaps you can learn how to listen to your spouse better (depending on the root of the issue). During couples’ therapy, you could learn to communicate better together so that you each learn ways to make the other person feel heard and valued during your conversations. You should be each other’s “go to” person, and if you don’t feel that way, then I would recommend consulting with a therapist.