How to Decide When to Argue and When to Let Go.
Written by a licensed couples therapist in Long Beach.
When you’re in a relationship, little annoyances can lead to big arguments. While some things are definitely worth bringing up and trying to work through, there are some things that just aren’t that big of a deal in the larger scheme of things. How can you decide what is worth fighting over and what would be better ignored? Ask yourself these three questions to determine what issues are simple annoyances and which ones are worth taking a stand on.
Why does this bother me?
The first thing you need to do is get to the root of why something is bothering. You know in your mind that those dirty socks that don’t quite make it to the hamper aren’t that big of a deal, but every time you see them, you feel your blood pressure rise. If you are the kind of person who is a bit obsessive over neatness, those dirty socks may be an annoyance. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t bring it up, if you’ve never mentioned it, your partner may be unaware that it bothers you. Just be prepared to let it go if your partner gets defensive or doesn’t stop. On the other hand, those dirty socks may represent just one of many ways your partner shows a lack of appreciation for you or is taking you for granted, that issue may be worth bringing up so resentment doesn’t fester. If you recognize that the issue is YOUR issue, you need to find a way to deal with it. If the issue is part of a big picture issue, you need to work it out with your partner. If you continue to struggle with this, consider talking to a professional who can assist in that communication.
Does my partner make up for this issue in other ways?
Maybe your partner has a job that demands more than your job does, or maybe your partner is great about making sure the car is in good repair and the lawn looks great, but doesn’t even notice when the dishes are piling up. If so, appreciate how your partner does take care of you and resolve to take care of your partner by taking care of those dirty dishes. If you both work the same hours, but your partner sits on the couch watching TV with a drink while you cook, clean, and care for the kids, it’s time for a discussion.
Is winning on this issue worth potentially damaging this relationship?
Depending on your answers to the first two questions, the answer to this one may be obvious. There are certain issues that are definitely worth standing your ground. These issues vary from person to person. If you feel like you’re being take for granted, you need to deal with it. But if the issue is rooted in something that has little to do with your partner, it’s important to take a step back and acknowledge it.You don’t need to bite your tongue over little annoyances. It’s still important to communicate about those things. But staying lighthearted when discussing these issues as well as bringing up the issues when you are calm can help keep them from blowing up. If you decide the issue is truly worth fighting for, consider talking with a therapist who can help you with ideas to resolve the situation.
If you are looking for a couples therapist in Long Beach, Lakewood or the surrounding areas, please give me a call to ask me a question or to set up an appointment.