How do I have the sex talk with my gay child? Written by a couples therapist in Long Beach.

I will be giving information to consider for not only gay kids, but for all kids.

I get this question a lot from parents who have a child who is in the LGBTQ community.  I always appreciate this question because it means that you care.  Really that’s the #1 thing.  If your child (gay, straight, WHATEVER) knows that you care, that’s going to go a long way.  Even if you sound like you don’t know what you are talking about or ask them questions that they think are stupid questions, it doesn’t matter as much if they know that you love and support them.   So… LEAD WITH THAT!!!

So…

#1: Make sure they know you care.

#2: Listen!! Make sure you are listening to what they are saying (if they are talking during the talk).

#3: Education yourself: Most parents aren’t telling their kids how to have sex (for example, sexual positions), so you probably don’t need to know that stuff.

If after reading this blog post, you still have questions, schedule an appointment with a therapist who is in the LGBTQ community.  They can help guide you through your questions and concerns.

These are the most frequent questions that I get as a therapist from parents re: their LGBTQ kids:

(The answer to most of the questions I get is: make them follow the same rules and expectations you would if they were straight.)

Question: What age should I have the sex talk with my LGBTQ child?

Answer: Do the same age you would if they were straight.

Question: What age should I let my LGBTQ child date?

Answer: The same age you would let them date if they were straight.

Question: How late should I let my LGBTQ child go out on a date (curfew).

Answer: The same time you would let them go if they were straight.

Question: What if I think my LGBTQ child is having sex?

Answer: Do the same thing you would if they were straight.

Question: Should I tell my LGBTQ child to not ask a kid out because the other kid might be straight.

Answer: Do the same thing you would if they were straight.  If your son comes and asks you if he should ask a girl out at school, you don’t know if that girl is interested.  Part of building character involves rejection.  You can teach your LGBTQ child and your straight child how to read signs from other people and how to ask someone on a date in a non-threatening way, but ultimately they have to learn how to take rejection at some point in their life, regardless of their sexual orientation.

Question: Should I let my LGBTQ child date, I mean, it can be dangerous if someone finds out and hurts them?

Answer: Have a conversation with them about how to stay safe, what to do if they feel like someone is following them, etc.  This would be the SAME conversation you should be having with your straight kids.  If your straight child is going to a teen club or to a late movie on a date, let them know to watch their surroundings and call you if they need anything.  Have them take a self defense class.  I’m not talking about karate that can take years and years (although that can be helpful also).  Have them take a self defense class so that they can learn about watching their surroundings, using their voice, etc.  Check this   place out as an example of the type of self defense I am talking about (go to this one or one like it).

Overall, a sex talk with a child in the LGBTQ community shouldn’t really differ that much from a straight kid.  Remember that “the talk” depends somewhat on where they are at.  Just like a blog can’t map your child’s educational plan, a blog can’t map out your child’s sex talk.   It depends on a lot of factors including your child’s age, maturity, their experiences, and your relationship with them.    That being said, on average, when you are talking to middle school kids, you are typically talking about their own anatomy and puberty.  As they get older, the talk can include the typical things you will find in “the talk” type books (for example physical safety, contraception, how to make sure there is consent, how to know if someone likes you, gender stereotypes, etc.).

If you still have questions, please feel free to call to set up an appointment.   If you can’t make it to the office, but you live in California, this is something that can usually be talked about on skype / facetime therapy.  If you are looking for a therapist in Long Beach, coming into the office is an option as well.