Balancing Discipline and Self-Esteem in Children
One of your main goals as a parent should be to raise a child who is kind, confident, and one who knows right from wrong. Getting them to that point takes some real work on your part, and one of the biggest issues that you are going to face on that journey is being able to install discipline while making sure that the self-esteem of your child remains intact. It can be a difficult balance to maintain at times, but it’s something that can be achieved by following a few tips and maintaining the same level of consistency when it does come time to discipline your child.
Belittling your kids, screaming at them, and spanking them when they do something wrong can do so much more harm than good, in my professional opinion. These methods, especially if done on a regular basis, will instill fear in your child, and that can very quickly kill their confidence and self-esteem, in addition to encouraging them to be sneaky because they are afraid of getting caught. Kids are going to make mistakes as they grow, but they need to learn from those errors, not be in fear of making another one that will result in a verbal or physical lashing. You also want to teach them to do the right thing because it is the right thing to do, not simply because they will get hurt by you. It also teaches them that if someone is bigger, then hitting and screaming at the smaller one is okay (what about when they want to hit their younger sibling, is that okay?)
There are a few things that you can do to install a balance between discipline and self-esteem building, and it all begins with letting your child know that you trust them to do the right thing in the future. Disciplining should be used as a learning experience for the child, which is why you need to be as calm and in control as possible. When you are calm, it’s much easier to explain why what they did was wrong, and what they need to do to correct their behavior. If they are old enough, it is also a great technique to ask them why they think they are in trouble and what they could have done differently Most kids will respond well to a parent who is in control (tough love) rather than one who just yells and berates.
It is also important that your child knows that you still love them and that you are on their side when you discipline. Talk about the good things they do, and how they are a much better person than their little moment of poor behavior suggests. You need to be able to separate the act from the individual, as we all have moments where we act out of character and don’t behave as we should. Those little moments do not make us terrible human beings, but younger kids may not be able to understand that unless you explain it to them. Often times kids who get in trouble and are told how bad they are then make future decisions based on who they think they are. If they believe themselves to be a “bad” kid, they will make decisions that a “bad kid” is supposed to make. If you have told them that they are a good kid who made a bad decision, then in the future, they are much more likely to make the good decision that a “good kid” would make. All of us (kids and adults) tend to unconsciously live up to the labels we are given.
When you get to the end of disciplining your child, make it clear that you believe they will make the right decisions in the future. Yes, they are still going to make mistakes and do things that you do not approve of, but when you continue to show confidence in their ability to do the right thing, they will begin to develop a habit of doing just that. Adults who live a happy life tend to be those who have high levels of self-esteem, and that often came from parents who discovered the balance we have discussed here.