Things to Consider Before Moving in With Someone You Are Dating.
Written by a couples therapist in Long Beach.
Relationships that lead to marriage tend to follow a very similar pattern, with the real serious business tending to start when the decision is made to move in together. While it is a logical step for couples who believe that they have found “the one,” it’s a move that can put a lot of strain on a relationship if the timing is not quite right. There have been countless happy relationships that have come to an end shortly after moving in together, so are you really sure that this is the right time to make that move? Listed below are some things you need to consider.
The first thing to think about is where you are going to move to. Is your partner looking to move into your place, or do they want you to pack up and move in with them? Alternatively, are you both interested in finding a completely new place together? This is something that needs to be seriously discussed, as there can be some resentment from the person moving who would rather have stayed in their own place. The easiest way to make an informed decision here is to choose the place that makes the most sense financially, and which is in a location that is close to where both people work. For the person who is having their partner move into their place, make sure your partner feels welcomed. This means making a joint decision to where things should go. An issue I hear a LOT about is that the person moving in doesn’t have a place to put their stuff, hang their artwork, and the furniture placement has already been decided. My recommendation is to pretend that you are both moving in and measure the space and decide what goes where, TOGETHER.
The next thing to think about is the responsibilities that comes with sharing a place. Who is going to do all the cooking and cleaning? Who will be in charge of paying the bills, and will your money be pooled into a shared account or kept separate? Domesticity and financial concerns are some of the biggest reasons for fights in any relationship, so setting the ground rules for each before you move in is a very good idea. There needs to be a little give and take on both sides when doing this.
Another thing to think about before moving in together is how your life will change once you share a space with your partner. You may not mind a little bit of clutter, while your partner is a bit of a neat freak. Do you really want to spend time arguing about laundry lying on the bedroom floor? Are you prepared to make the changes required to make your home a happy one? You should also consider that your sex life is probably going to change. Couples tend to make time for sex when they are apart, and while sex is an important part of any relationship, it tends to slide down the importance scale when you live together for an extended period.
You are going to start to notice annoying little habits about your partner that you had never seen before, and vice versa. Rather than letting these annoyances build and fester, it’s important that you are both comfortable enough to talk about your relationship, both the good and the bad. No-one is perfect, so be prepared to hear some criticisms that you might not enjoy, but which will ultimately make your life together better. One tip: Any time you bring up an issue that you want your partner to change, start the conversations with 3 things you like about living with them first, and then end the conversation with “are there things you would like for me to try to change”. This way they aren’t feeling attacked and are more likely to be open to what you have to say.