How Do I Handle My Partner Who Is Abusing Drugs or Alcohol?:  You Cannot Stop Your Partners Abuse of Drugs or Alcohol – But They Can!

Many people enter therapy because their spouse has an addiction problem with alcohol or drugs. It’s very difficult for the other partner to get through the situation because the addict won’t get help. In many cases they feel helpless and don’t know where to turn to stop the madness.

Here are a few suggestions to help you find answers:

Don’t Make Idle Threats:
First and foremost, do not make threats or demands that you cannot follow through on. For anyone who has an addicted spouse, try to help them understand the problem, don’t threaten to walk out on them. The problem with this approach is that the next time he or she does take a drink or takes drugs, you do not live up to the threat and end up sticking around. If you truly believe you will walk out “the next time”, then when that next time pops up – you should leave.

Get Separate Counseling
While you are trying to support your spouse, you get support for yourself as well. Getting support from a professional will help you understand your spouse’s actions, the manner in which they are conducting themselves and what to expect. Realizing what is going on is critical in order to get through this.

Join A Support Group:

These groups can offer you an enormous amount of support and offer valuable information to help you through this. Support groups are also a wonderful place for people to talk about their individual situations with people that are in the same boat. AA and Smart recovery are two of the most well-known of these support groups. If you are not religious, there are groups for you that revolve around non-Christian religions as well as Atheist groups. If you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered, there are groups for you.

Individual Therapy Might Help:

You will start to understand and recognize how you are responding to their addiction. You might discover that your reactions are adding to the disharmony. Be supportive but do so at a distance (meaning to try to be connected and close in all aspects of your relationship, but keep a distance when it comes to getting involved with their drinking). Encourage them to seek treatment for their problem and support them. They must come to clearly understand they need help but you can’t do it for them.

Typical Patterns Of Abusers:

Many people who abuse alcohol or drugs stay to themselves. They are actually ashamed and are embarrassed of their drug/alcohol abuse but continue on the same path. They have to want to quit, you can’t do it for them. The decision to quit has to come from them, and then they will start turning things around. That’s when they will start finding some self-esteem and make good things happen. Support them but do not try to do it for them.

Other people are “social drinkers”. They get wasted drunk, but do so with the excuse that all their friends are drinking also. What is hard about this is that often they feel like if they give up their drinking, they also have to give up their friends. Again, support them in quiting but do not try to do it for them.

Define Your Own Lines In The Sand:

During your own therapy sessions, you will discover your own limits. We all have our limits on many things and must draw the line. You have personalities (e.g. controlling, not trusting) and attitudes that you have never had before. They are based on what your partner is doing. You must define your own standards and behaviors and where your boundaries are. You have your own life and must be able to move on with it. Keep your attitude and thoughts positive. First, your partner needs you and your positive energy. Second, you will need every ounce of positive energy you have to get yourself through this very difficult process.

You Cannot Turn Your Partner Around:

In most cases, people who are addicted will hit rock bottom before they reach out for help. That’s when they really wake up and see what they are doing to themselves. If they say they are going to quit for you, don’t buy into it. If that’s their stance, they will more likely become resentful and start their habit all over again. Getting sober for you might be an initial reason, but ultimately, they need to come up with their own motivation.
Again, help them with support from a distance. Try and get them to communicate and understand they need help. Offer your support but do not seek help or make calls for them, it’s their move. And lastly, never threaten to leave unless you absolutely mean it.