Why Can’t I Get My Partner To Communicate With Me?
During the course of an average day, can you effectively communicate with your partner without any type of yelling, name calling, or bouts of sulking silence? If the answer to any or all of those is NO, then you may very well have answered why there are problems with communication in your relationship. In order for open communication to take place, your partner needs to feel loved and trusted. If there is a history of you reacting badly to what they say, they are going to think twice about telling you anything.
Here are some tips that will help get your communication back on track:
- Apologize for the part you played in the lack of communication. Even if you are one the receiving end of the yelling and name calling, remember that it takes two to fight. The back and forth bickering is probably a lot like what you experienced with your sibling when you were younger. Both of you would run to your parents to pass the blame on to each other, only to be met by parents who held you both responsible for your actions. Try to think of that scenarios when formulating your apology to your partner. It is only natural that frustrations will arise when you spend several hours a day with the same person. The squabbles you had with siblings and parents when you were younger are essentially the same feelings coming out with your partner.
- Set some rules of communication. Each and every person has a trigger point, with anger and frustration sure to follow when that trigger is pulled. These trigger points are not the same for everyone, so talk to your partner about the specific things that upset you, whilst also finding out what specifically sets them off.
- Don’t stand in judgement of the rules set by your partner. You may find it odd that your partner doesn’t want to talk at certain set times, but you should honor their requests. Doing so means that they will be more likely to open up when it does come time to talk. Trying to initiate communication during the times that they have stated they don’t want to do will only lead to another argument getting started that has nothing to do with the original point.
- Always honor the safety requests they make. This could be anything from taking turns talking to having an agreed “safety word” that stops the communication before it ends up in an argument. If you ignore those requests, expect the communication to break down once again.
- Always listen to what is being said. You cannot hope to understand your partner if you are spending the entire time they talk formulating a response or a rebuttal. Listen to what they say, and try to see things from their perspective. You can understand their point without agreeing with it. Differences of opinion are natural, and being heard is all that most people ask for in those types of situations. Don’t get caught up in trying to win the discussion, as you usually end up missing the point.
- Stick with a team concept. At the end of the day, you both probably share the same goals. The paths that you want to take to get there may be different, but the destination is the same. For example, you both want your kids to listen when you talk. One of you thinks spanking is the way to go, while the other is all for time outs. Rather than fighting about it, search for a technique that you both approve of, and which achieves the same goal.
- Seek professional help if the fighting persists. The steps outlined above sound simple to follow, but they are not as easy as you might think. It can help to have a therapist essentially translate your thoughts and feelings in a way that makes it easy for your partner to understand. People seek out couple’s therapy for all kinds of reasons – money problems, loss of passion, constant bickering – and it is often a lack of communication that lies at the heart of each problem. Once proper communication has been established in the relationship again, it is amazing how everything else seems to simply fall into place. Being able to share all your hopes, dreams, and fears with your partner without being judged creates a safe environment that is comfortable for both sides.