What Should I Do When My Kids Talk Back?

With today’s norms, when kids start to talk back it often includes disrespectful gestures, witty comments, rolling eyes, etc. How are you going to deal on it?  Here are some tips, which can help you:

Maintain your Composure

Have you noticed your own reaction to your kid’s behaviors? Do you often lose your temper when your son answers back disrespectfully? Have you said things you don’t really mean to say?  There is certainly no need for you to put up with it when your child talks back, however, make sure that your reaction is appropriate since it can either weaken or enhance your relationship with your child as well as affect their reaction towards you.   Being too compassionate may lead them into more problematic behavior because they learn that you feel bad for them and won’t give them meaningful consequences. Try to show tough love.  This means being strict about their consequences, but doing so in a calm, loving voice.  This will let your child know that they have no freedom to speak and express themselves in a way that is disrespectful.   When that happens, your child may completely shut down communication with you or try to engage with you more intensely. At their young age, your child often will react to your intense emotions and “up the ante” so the more you control your reactions to their responses, the lower the chance that there will be as much unwanted behavior on their end. Making threats, yelling or belittling them (telling them they are worthless or a bad kid) will only bring the situation into its worst case scenerio.  You should know how to hold your tongue in front of your children.   One idea is that before you talk or give a consequence, you can count to 10 (or longer if needed) and think of proper ways of saying things to them.  Ways that you would hope their teacher might speak to them at school.   If you know that you already lose control or that they might lose control, you must remind yourself that you need to calm down because you are in fact the parent.   Continue the conversation when you are cooled down. If your child’s other parent is available, you can use the tag-team approach.  One of you can intervene (with the other parents’ permission) and take over when you see the other parent start to crack.

Identify its root cause

Talking back is not the nature of the kids. It may be because there’s something wrong, but it is not always related with you.  Chances are your son/daughter might be facing some issues in his/her school. Maybe it is his/her just way to take everything out because they don’t have another safe place to express themselves. When this happens, try not to freak out and feed them with negative thoughts (you are a bad kid, you are a pain, etc). Instead, try to calm down and gather courage that you have and ask about what happen in their school.  Ask open ended questions that are more difficult to answer with a one word  response.  For example, don’t ask “How was your day” because you will often hear “fine” or “good”.  Instead ask “What is something you did today that you like”, “what did your friends do today during lunch”, “which teacher is your favorite and why”?  Through these open ended questions, you can understand your children better and then eventually resolve issues.

Explain things, which can be accepted

You can explain to them that it is okay to be tire, frustrated and angry.  However, name calling, threatening and even yelling will not be accepted and will have a consequence.  Give them ideas of what they CAN do when they are upset.   They can journal, talk to you, listen to music, go take a shower, or take some deep breaths.   You can also SHOW them what you want them to do by doing it yourself when you are angry.  A picture/action is worth a thousand words.

Be ready for consequences

Think of different consequences for common behavior problems BEFORE it is a problem.  If there is another parent in the picture, make sure they are on board with the appropriateness of consequences and make sure they are consistent with those consequences.   Then talk to your child about these consequences (such losing TV time, video game/computer time, going to bed early) when things are not escalated.  This way your child knows that you notice their behavior as problematic and they are forewarned about what the consequence will be.    Most importantly, be consistent and stick on the rules.

Compliment their politeness

Just as important as your consequence and “tough love” is the need to catch your child doing well.  You need to pay attention (and say something) every time your child shows positive behaviors rather than negative ones. Once your child starts to talk and express their frustrations politely, you must let him know about your approval and tell them “I am proud of you”. It is my belief that a majority of kids don’t hear that last statement enough.  The world is a harsh place and as a parent it is your job to build them up.