The stereotypes regarding lesbians are gradually fading away as the LGBTQ community is getting more and more accepted in our society. The idea that you can identify a lesbian through how she dresses; jeans and Birkenstocks and/or flannels are slowly going away. Just like straight couples, the lesbian couples face many of the same types of relationship issues. For instance, there is the issue of poor sex (or non-existent) sex life and poor communication. From being in the therapy field for 20 years, being in a lesbian relationship for 15 years and having been the clinical director at The Gay and Lesbian Center, here are some of the tips to having a healthy lesbian relationship that I have learned from over 20 years of personal and professional experience put into use.
(1) Endeavor to carve out personal time for you and your friends. More often than not, there is this co-dependence that lesbians normally have, such that they always get their partner involved in all their activities. They hardly engage in activities that their partner isn’t part of. This is usually because of the limited pool to choose from within our population of the gay and lesbian community, so they feel the need to be in each others’ company. Endeavor to go outside this zone or group of friends to make personal friends. This way, you get to have personal friends that you can relate to outside the group that you belong to with your girlfriend/wife. A few ideas: go out with “mutual friends” by yourself so you are developing a relationship with them as an individual and not solely as a couple. Venture to make new friends inside/outside of the gay and lesbian community so that you have individual friends that don’t even know your girlfriend/wife. This way, when you and your partner are arguing or having troubles, you have someone who understands YOU and can give you advice/support without feeling like they are choosing you over your partner.
(2) Create time to connect with each other. This is not the regular act of taking the kids on an outing or watching television programs together where you aren’t really interacting (other than maybe cuddling or holding hands). You have to connect on a personal level with your partner in an atmosphere that is free from distractions. Go out on dates so you can just enjoy each other’s company. During this personal time, you can engage in activities that could establish a special connection between you two. These activities could include taking a hike, going to a couples massage, playing cards, going to a lesbian bar, etc.
(3) Plan for intimate periods. I’m not specifically talking about planning sex, although for people whose schedules are really tight, this might be the answer. I’m talking about deliberate reservations to connect with each other so you can build up intimacy. These activities are ones that often lead to sex or intimacy, but don’t necessarily mean that you are “scheduling sex”. You can participate in these activities even though you aren’t really in the mood to do much else. These activities can include giving each other a massage (as opposed to going to a masseuse, playing strip poker, making out, and other things you probably did more often when you were first dating.
Scheduling an appointment should be the next thought if these tips stated above don’t improve your relationship, especially if proper communication is still a problem within you relationship.
If you live in California and are looking for a LGBTQ therapist, please give us a call at Long Beach Therapy: 562-310-9741.